Just a few more days...

I'm awfully tired. All of these late nights. All of these wonderful conversations. I know it will all pay off in the end. But tonight left me wondering... I'm stressing - for nothing really. No stress. That is what will bring me into bliss. It's all of the excitement, all of the newness surrounding these intense emotions. But my exhaustion is creeping up on me. I'm busy with school. I'm busy with Dexter. But have I ever found someone who can do it so much better than what I am used too... I'm missing him. It was four hours of joy that is turning into much more than I could have ever hoped for. But tonight left me in a bad spot... how do I disregard my feelings of frustration?

I just need to sleep. Tomorrow will be better.

Thankfully Dexter is almost sleeping an entire night now.

Hmm

So what if I lied, I lied to me too...

I am singing all night...

I can't begin to describe how amazingly happy I am.

Life is so wonderful.

I am embracing this newness, this incredible overwhelming emotion of complete and utter joy.

The pieces are being put together...

He's keeping me on my toes.

I’ve learned some pretty serious life lessons over the last little while, specifically from my previous relationship with Christopher.

This is why I am at a cross road. I’m being courted. It is mesmerizing. But because of what happened previously I have become rather reserved. I believe Phoenix was a life altering experience. I opened up like never before. People saw parts of me that only few have ever seen. I let it all go; escaped from the burdens I’d allowed myself to create from a devastating relationship and my own downfalls. I left because I had the responsibility to do so and when you become part of something great, you do what you need to do. I’m nervous to begin something wonderful so quickly; mostly out of fear that I’ll feel worthless like last time. It took a huge toll on me to be blamed for utterly everything and I showed my weakness by accepting responsibility for events that clearly weren’t my fault. I’m excited to have the option of leaving, never to look back on the abuse, the hurt, the fighting, the anger... These few months I have changed drastically, matured due to circumstance, and learned more than I could have ever expected. I know this could be amazing. I know I could have everything that I have ever dreamed of. It’s just the task of picking up the pieces.

One thing I can say for sure is that I will never tolerate the insolence and arrogance experienced for months on end from someone who refused to acknowledge what was going on.

A real relationship takes commitment, devotion to one another, love, passion, intensity... How amazing it would be to feel that toward someone who felt the same way.

In A Daze

I haven't slept. I spent the night kneeling on the bathtub floor attempting to keep myself from vomiting. Unfortunately it didn't work.

I am so sick.

My throat is sore, my head is clogged, my stomach is upset, my nose continues to run and I'm freezing.

I dug out my winter clothes from my parent's shed; quite literally. I got a long sleeve shirt, a long knit sweater, jeans, warm socks and here I am, still cold.

I've loaded myself up on Buckley's, Advil Cold medication, and Vick's Vapor Rub but it doesn't seem to be helping. And the rest is nonexistent because I have a young puppy to care for.

This is the joy of having an illness that fucks with your system already, it makes catching other stuff rather easy.

Here and There

I apologize for neglecting my blog for the past little while. So much has happened. So much continues to happen. Dexter is getting so big, he has to be about 4lbs by now, maybe even 5lbs. Potty training is progressing albeit slowly. He is now being crated exclusively at night and seems to not put up too much of a fight; now the mornings are a different story. I’m getting even less sleep than I initially was because I’m up every few hours to take Dex outside; I’m trying to justify that sleep is overrated... hence the reason why I am writing a blog entry going on 2 in the morning. Anyhow, we start puppy training classes for the next 8 weeks at PetsMart beginning Sunday morning. I’m overly excited.

As for the rest of my life, boring like usual. My mom’s friend Tina has been taking me out driving in her Cadillac. It’s a huge car but plenty fun to drive. I hope to get my driver’s license as soon as possible. I need the independence that comes from being able to escape whenever my heart desires. But after my suspension I am quite sure I won’t be able to afford car insurance for quite some time. I’ll stay optimistic though.

School is going slowly. The lack of sleep isn’t helping in the homework department.

My laptop finally shorted out completely. Geek Squad believes it is my motherboard and has shipped it off to be repaired; only thing is they are insisting I have voided my warranty because some seals on the bottom are broken. Why would I have done that? I was forced to purchase a new one, this time getting away from HP and moving on to Toshiba. But the financial department is also lacking now.

Heading back to Phoenix is up in the air. I guess the events that took place on my last night there have changed things. I had every intention of returning but now I honestly don’t know what is going on with that. Vince and Gabbie have disappeared, at least for now, so I’m almost at the point where I need to begin making plans to go elsewhere. Was it fate? Or just a mess? Hmm...

My oldest brother is coming to visit my parents tomorrow. I see him maybe twice a year. I’m excited. But I’m sad my other brother is moving to Winnipeg on Sunday. I wish him all the best though. I hope he finds the happiness he deserves. Gives me an excuse to road trip it to Winnipeg in the upcoming months, hopefully before winter because I heard it gets pretty fucking cold out there.

"Home"

I'm back in Canada.

My flight was quite annoying because once I arrived in Atlanta at 6:00 a.m. after my red eye flight from Phoenix, I discovered I was placed on stand by because they over sold the flight. Now, normally I wouldn't complain too much, it means a free round trip airfare, but with a puppy, it isn't much fun at all. I raised a bit of a fuss at the counter over it because people traveling with pets or small children should never be put on stand by; it is just wrong. Especially with my dog because he isn't free to travel by plane, actually it costs quite a bit of money for a ticket for him so if I am paying $69 more than everyone else, why was I placed on stand by to begin with? Air Tran's actions baffled me. As they attempted to find a passenger willing to give up their seat on my scheduled flight for me to take, I heard the girl announce there is one business class seat left for upgrade. I immediately went back up to the counter and demanded that seat, without paying the $49 upgrade fee of course... after considerable thought, she finally decided to give me the seat when the flight began boarding. I was happy to be sitting in business class, although it would have been more fun if it was a longer, night flight. But my goal was to make it home, on that flight, which I did. Thankfully.

Dexter is happier. I can see it in his beautiful brown eyes. He loves going outside here, and adores playing in the grass. It's also plenty cooler though, even I'm wearing a sweater right now.

This morning I went to PetsMart's free puppy talk and was able to talk one-on-one with a trainer about all of my specific puppy needs. I'm now signed up for puppy training classes beginning on August 17th for eight weeks. I'm awfully excited for this; Dexter has so much potential.

His third and final puppy shots are on August 16th so he'll be going in to get groomed sometime next week as well.

I don't want to leave

This time around, Phoenix has been fantastic. It has had its ups and downs like everything else in life but meeting Vince and Gabbie has really helped me put my life into perspective. With them, I have been able to open a huge part of me that no one has ever helped me open. They probably don’t even know it. Celine has also helped… from afar like usual, but always close to my heart. Sometimes it feels like I take five steps forward and ten steps back but here I am, grateful to have had this opportunity, sad that I am leaving so soon, but happy that my puppy will be able to be trained in an environment he is more comfortable in. today I was debating leaving at all… and I guess if it weren’t for Dex, I wouldn’t be leaving… this place is quite wonderful (minus the heat). It is hard to explain but something about Phoenix just captivates me. I always fought coming here, back in the day with Mitch, etc… but now that I have experienced this much, which isn’t a lot but enough to tell I love it, I am going to cry when I leave. Canada will always be my home, but this is a new adventure, something beautiful. I know I will have plenty of new journeys ahead of me, but this is spiritual for me, this has allowed me to understand myself better. This has been the quest I have needed so badly for years. If only it had been this easy many years ago. I wish I could explain it easier, or better but this feels so right in my heart.

Heading "home"

I made the decision today to go back to Canada. I'm leaving on August 7th.

Dexter is really not handling the heat well. He keeps throwing up. His body temperature is quite warm, he pants rapidly and refuses to go outside without screaming. It's extremely sad.

Apparently his breed is rare here and they don't adapt easily to hot climates. I suppose I'll go back to my parents for a few months or so, make some extra well needed cash and then move again.

I'm sad to leave. This time Phoenix turned out to be quite enjoyable. Vince and Gabbie are lovely people and the city is absolutely gorgeous. But Dexter's health and training is vital right now.

But for my last few days here, I am going to have fun!! :)

Who knows what will happen in the future?