I am in Phoenix

Okay so here goes shot number two.

Things are already MUCH better than my last visit BUT I can already tell Dexter is not doing well in the heat (and we haven't even gone outside for a walk yet). He's been panting quite rapidly until I caged him off in the hallway, and has thrown up twice so far. :( I've wetted him down and he seems a bit better now but I'm keeping my eye on him. If this continues I'll take him to a vet and see what they say.

Yesterday was pretty intense. Christopher drove me to the Buffalo airport. I had a melt down (in front of Christopher) and at the check-in counter. I had made up my mind to cancel my flight and rebook it for when Dexter was older, in fear he's too young (I went against my vet's advice to come out here so soon). But Christopher made a scene to the ladies at the Air Tran counter by calling me chicken, etc. The girls were super supportive, and because Christopher was driving me insane, I decided to come. But the real truth is, I wouldn't have come so soon if it wasn't for Christopher... and now that I see Dexter not doing well in the heat, I am pretty upset I listened to him.

I had two flights yesterday.

My first leg was into Atlanta. Dexter did extremely well, he slept almost the entire way except for a brief 5 or 6 minute crying session. I was sitting next to a girl who had an 8 week old Min Pin with her so we instantly connected because of our pups. Due to a storm, we had to circle around in the air for 45 minutes before landing so the flight turned into 3 hours instead of 2; once arrived, all of the flights were delayed. It was incredibly busy so I didn't have much chance to excercise Dexter. I took him out of his carrier and let him run around my feet but that is about all I could get away with. When my flight to Phoenix began boarding, I had one upset Dexter. He did not want to be put back in his carrier and starting yelping and throwing himself against the carrier. Thankfully I didn't have anyone sitting next to me on the plane so I was able to position him (he had to stay in his carrier on the floor under the seat in front of me) where he could see me and hear me. He calmed down before we took off and went to sleep. Besides a few position changes, Dexter slept the entire flight.

I got into Phoenix two hours late but Gabbie was waiting there for me with a huge grin. It was excellent seeing her despite being exhausted, drained and worn out.

We drove back to her place, Dexter sat on my lap in the car and cried because he still doesn't enjoy car rides. He looked so curious, and anxious; he still does. But when we got back to Gabbie's place, Dexter spotted two big dogs (which I have come to learn that he is fearful of, and at 3lbs I'd also be scared). Gabbie's pet sitting for a friend of hers so we're stuck in a house with two giant dogs, who keep trying to get at Dexter. Dexter runs and hides anytime he hears them. Thankfully they're locked up in the dining room area.

After a little while of playing, he curled up beside the bed and went to sleep. He got up with Gabbie's alarm clock at 6:00 a.m. (9:00 a.m. Eastern time) and was ready to start the day, so up I was, with five hours of sleep...

Dexter has been up and down, he was sick twice but has been eating and drinking. He played for awhile so that was a good sign. I guess it could be stress but I really think the heat has something to do with it because since I have put him in the cool hallway, he seems much better. My concern is, he can't stay there all the time.

And while I was walking to the bathroom to wet down Dexter, I saw this HUGE bug. I swear to god it is the biggest bug I have ever seen. I quickly ran to the computer room with Dex, closed the door and messaged Gabbie on Yahoo. She thinks it is a beetle of some sort by my description, which wasn't much, "ummm I don't know what it looks like, it's HUGE!" It is brown and big and gross looking. I managed to trap it under a container in the hallway.

Today has been okay. I'm pretty exhausted, and sick. Truthfully, I'm pretty worn out by everything. My decision to not come to Phoenix was there for more than just Dexter, it was also because I fear starting fresh with someone else. Now that Dexter is in the picture, I feel it inappropriate to intrude (even though they want me to) into someone's life. I'm not ready to start a new relationship. I don't think I'll be ready until I sort some things out that have long needed my attention.

For now though, I guess I am here in Phoenix. And I am giving it my all, which may not be much right now, but my first priority is Dexter and if he isn't happy here, then we're leaving. I can always start fresh somewhere else... and I think right now, some stability, with people who can help me with Dexter, is a good idea.

And I need to catch up on all of the school work I've been negelecting.

I am homesick.

It's a long tunnel

I am conflicted. I trust easy but love scarcely. And now, it seems that my loved ones are taking sides. Some believe Phoenix will be a great fresh start, a new beginning… and some think it is going to be yet another big mistake.

I am also divided.

I was given a really tough talking to today by someone whom only sneaks out of the shadows to make things clear to me… and when Thierry does, he really does. He scolded me for continuing on this path of mistakes; how jumping from one bad situation into another will not benefit my future. He strongly believes I am making a horrible decision in returning to Phoenix and he explained the reasons in a very blunt fashion. He also said a few very hurtful things, that has left me debating who I really am… and maybe he is right… maybe they all have been right.

I can’t speak about that here. But the people, who really know me, will understand what I am talking about.

But then I have people in my life, like my parents who support my move 100% because they want me to find happiness. But when I think about it, they don’t understand the complexity of my decision to return to Phoenix. I can’t talk to my parents about a lot of things, not without worrying them and causing them stress. And at this point in their life, they are probably just sick to death of my failures to have to deal with me any more.

How can I be honest with myself and with my loved ones? How do I make the right decision when at this point, I can barely see the road ahead of me? My goal is to find freedom, to be adventurous...

Sick and What?

I've been sick for days. Medication only provides temporary relief. I was biking to the store earlier to meet my brother and I felt like I was going to pass out; my stomach has been hurting (stupid) badly off and on.

And to top it all off, I've been in this awful, terrible funk lately that doesn't seem to be easing up.

I've been a total procrastinator as of late. Yes, I know, "what's new with that?" but it is getting out of control.

I passed up an opportunity to go out and get hammered because I am a good girl and it sucks being so good so I now have to go out and be bad but I don't know when that is going to happen because my entire mood has shifted and I no longer recognize who I am. Fuck. That was a run on sentence and I am too lazy to fix it.

Ha. You see my mood.

Packing

I'm in the process of packing.

This has become quite difficult since I have recently ripped one of my suitcases coming back from AZ on July 4th. Thus leaving me to my one 29" Jeep upright luggage duffel.

I've realized Dexter has enough stuff to fill one on his own. ;)

So, I've taken most of my stuff out, stashed it in garbage bags and threw it in my parent's shed. My theory is, why spend $60 on another suitcase when I can just grab the things I need once I am out there. Plus, most of my clothes are designed for spring/fall so technically, I wouldn't be wearing it out there anyway.

I might have my parents mail me some stuff if needed down the road.

I'm planning on being back in November so I can pick up whatever else then.

Dexter and the Move

I am trying to get Dexter used to his fancy new travel backpack. On Tuesday he is going to be in it for over eight hours, unless I can sneak him out and onto my lap on the plane; but I don't suspect I'll be able to because I'm flying on a US carrier... for some reason, they seem to be the asshole's about pets. But I do have a two hour layover in Atlanta so I'll be sure to find a private seat at an empty gate so I can exercise him, feed him, etc. My main concern is that he isn't potty trained, and cannot hold his bladder long enough, so the plane rides are going to be quite interesting. That and, he hasn't gotten used to the car yet either and continues to cry because it upsets his little tummy.

Now thinking, perhaps leaving so soon was foolish of me for his sake, but my opinion is, he is young enough to not necessarily remember, but he is old enough to begin getting used to traveling... and as an (avid) traveler, he has nothing else to do but get used to it. I'm sure we'll have plenty of little trips once we get to our destination but I know we'll be back in Canada at the beginning of November.

My parents are very sad. Primarily because Dexter is leaving. My mom keeps insisting she'll take him... both of my parent's have fallen in love with him. I think at this point my parents have given up hope for me. When I moved to Phoenix earlier in July, as soon as I arrived, my mom kept calling my cell phone crying... Perhaps deep down they knew I was going to learn a serious life lesson and they were just hoping it wasn't going to involve me getting hurt. I don't know the reason for it but I found it very sweet; this time I have a feeling it won't be like that at all. My mom gets nervous every time I travel, mostly because she hasn't traveled like I have. Don't get me wrong, I'm the most nervous I have EVER been this time around because I now have Dexter. I've put myself in harms way plenty of times, but now that I have Dexter, it's different. Dexter comes first now because he is my pride and joy... my baby. I no longer live free by myself, Dexter's needs are my first priority and that is why I am taking this move very cautiously.

I'm scared Dexter is going to have a hard time adjusting to Phoenix. The heat is quite intense (despite what everyone else says, I was there for 12 hours and almost cooked to death). Also with the time change. I've traveled with Kelevra out west and he seemed to take it very well, but he is also much older than Dexter. At 10 weeks, I don't know what to expect from my little guy. But I have high hopes that he'll love it, and love his new little family I've established for us in Phoenix. I just hope he doesn't miss my parents as much as they are going to miss him; leaving two families in a matter of weeks must be so hard :( the thought of it makes me sad. But he does love other dogs so hopefully I can cab it to Nuria's house to make friends with her Boston Terrier and Grate Dane.

I've been researching Phoenix pet stores, training, dog parks, etc. On Wednesday I am hoping to explore a store called, Wag'n'Wash and hopefully be able to get Dexter some spiffy shoes to protect his pads from the hot concrete. I would also like to buy a little baby pool to teach him how to swim. I think the water will definitely help keep him cool during the summer months. But because I am over protective, I'll probably keep him inside most of the day until I know it has cooled off enough for a proper walk.

I am a worried puppy parent.

Thinking - Hoping for Mania

I am so exhausted. Because of my fatigue I have fallen behind on school and everything seems to be that much harder. I’m faced with difficult decisions that I can barely think straight about.

I’ve almost decided on heading back to Phoenix. It is just a matter of when and how I can afford it. Vince and Gabbie (my lovely Phoenix companions) are being extremely patient and motivating. They are opening their home and offering support and plenty of love and I don’t believe I can thank them enough.

I’m terrified of going back to Phoenix and it not working out. Now that I have Dexter, everything in my life is different, he is my first priority and his safety and security is most important. I know this fear is likely irrational due to my previous recent experience but it worries me. Although lately it seems everything has been worrisome. I’m also worried about how Dexter will handle the heat. I am definitely going to be buying him boots so he doesn’t burn the pads of his feet.

I want my adventurous self back. How do I get the old “Sarah” back? A little while ago I never would have had this dilemma; I would have been on that plane already. I guess that is the difference from being manic to being in a depressive state. Come on mania!!

Earlier this month I told myself “fuck it” and I got on a plane and left… the next day I came home. How do I build enough courage up to do it again?

On a happy note! Dexter saw the veterinarian yesterday for his second set of puppy vaccinations. He cried the entire time we were in the vet office but he is now vaccinated (including kennel cough) which means we have been out for plenty of walks since! He weighs a whopping 3.4 pounds! We were also given a free Advantage Multi puppy pack which included a puppy Wubba, rope toy and a travel food/water bowl! He is really beginning to pick up on how to walk properly on a lead although we are still having some difficulty. I bought him a Wacky Walkr (the coolest lead EVER) to help train him not to pull. I’m having such a blast with him. But it would be much nicer if he could sleep in past 6:00 a.m. Today I took him over to PetSmart to have them clip his nails. He cried a tiny bit but overall it was a good experience! I want to make sure he is comfortable with being groomed. I am now looking into puppy training classes. I can’t wait to begin them with him; so joyful!

I am not sorry.

I can’t even begin to describe how furious I am right now.

Thanks for being your typical self.

Don’t think I cannot see through your make-belief exterior and view your real personality; that of a liar and asshole.

Go forth to your skank, and maybe when you are old and grey and alone you will realize how pathetic all of it really was. But fear not, your pigheadedness won’t allow you to regret because regret means you feel emotion and god forbid you show any type of emotion; you are too selfish for emotion.

Just know that I can see right through you.

(I apologize for such an awful post, but I felt it deserving for this individual who thinks they can play with other's feelings. You know if this is for you, if you even bother reading this post, just know that I will never condone what you did. Pretending you care disgusts me. If you want to see insolence take a look in the mirror, you are far from perfect.)

Phoenix or Vancouver?

I have an option of going back to Phoenix or going out to Vancouver.

This is a huge decision for me but I have the approval from my parents for whichever I choose; somehow their approval makes a difference now.

Phoenix turned out to be disastrous earlier this month. I didn’t realize what I was getting myself into. I fell apart the first night and ran because that is how I handle things. I regret going to start out with but I also regret leaving. I should have faced my fear and dealt with it there, not left, not ran, but coming home allowed me to get my puppy, which makes the heartache and fear so worth it.

Now, I am once again falling apart. I am once again faced with a major decision and in debating this decision I have discovered my biggest fear; being utterly and painfully alone.

Christopher and I had a conversation recently about him needing to be in a relationship at all times in fear of being alone. And I scolded him for it; insisting he fix himself before he hurts another girl or he gets hurt. But look at me… I am in the same boat. I need to be with someone or at least surrounded by people who love me in order for me to be happy and until this very moment I didn’t even realize it.

Phoenix provides me with a small, but supportive network of friends, and lovers. I have a few amazing people who want me there, who are willing to open their house and their lives for me. I am honoured to have such amazing people in my life.

Vancouver has such amazing attributes. The ocean is stunning, and Dexter would be able to learn to swim alongside me, we’d be able to walk on the beach, explore the parks, forest, mountains, etc. But it also means I do not know anyone out there. I am fortunate enough to know people on the island, but nobody on the mainland. Also, in Richmond where the apartment is, I have learned there is no PetSmart (where I wanted to have Dexter take puppy classes) and it’s dogs services are sort of limited but the good thing is that pets are allowed on transit and I’m sure I can find a PetSmart close enough. It also means I am spending most of my student loan on rent and bills, and I’d have to also buy furniture leaving limited funds for school and travel in the end. But it does mean I am in Canada and can get a part time job if I needed it.

You see how I am tossed. Phoenix feeds this adventurous self, the girl that wants to take risks and try new things, but in a way it helps me as well because I will have help raising Dexter (which I need because I want him very well socialized) and in Vancouver I won’t have that. I know I will meet new people and I will explore and I will take risks, but it just feels different.

And the awful thing about it is, I risk losing my place in Vancouver if I don’t make my decision tonight.

A Place To Call Home?

I’m attempting to make some life altering decisions. Yes, I believe I have stated this before. But I honestly believe this time is different.

I recently (1 week ago today) was blessed with my new addition, Dexter. Since then I have debated constantly about my move for August 1st. I found a place in Richmond, British Columbia; a shared townhouse with three other individuals and a Maltese dog named Max. I’m worried about the move because I will be doing it on my own, without any belongings, without any friends or family guiding me while I am there. Is that move right for me? Do I try it without knowing? Will I be happy there? So many questions, so few answers.

At one point in my life I was a risk taker; I still am, just not to the extent of what I was. I was girl of exploration, never one to sit still. I was a roamer, free spirited and took quests that lead me across the globe. Now, I’m hesitant, scared of the unknown. I do not know this girl I have become. I am unrecognizable. Deep down I know my old self is there, it is just a matter of finding her and breaking this shell I have created out of fear.

Perhaps I have given up everything in Toronto not for love, but for more selfish reasons; to lose this identity I have established for myself; to be free and clear… mentally and physically. I needed to give it up to see what I was missing, what I had lost. And while I thought about it, as the old saying goes, if you love something then give it up, if it was meant to be it will come back to you. So, I gave up my love and my life, unconsciously attempting to regain my old strength in order to ready myself for my next journey. I can step forward without previous baggage. My last relationship failed for many reasons, mostly because we couldn’t let go of the past… but that is what I need to do now; forget the past and look forward to life’s new adventures. It isn’t easy, it is never easy, but in some weird way, I am freer now than I have ever been.

I have great things to look forward to. Raising Dexter has quickly become my first priority in life, my pride and my joy. Finishing school is my second priority. These are both stabilizing factors in my life. There comes a point in time where you need to settle. That doesn’t mean stay in one spot forever, but it means to bring peace and with Dexter, I know he deserves only the best and he deserves a home.

Years ago when I first moved to Toronto, my late cat Babu was still with me. Babu grounded me, led me to a beautiful house in the west end of Toronto and stabilized me. it was what I needed to do for him. And I loved every second of my life back then. Everything changed in November of 2006 when I lost him to a devastating illness. My world collapsed and it was then the fear I face now set in. It is surprising what your animals can and will do to you. I am still devastated over my loss, I still miss Babu each and every day, but I strongly believe he is helping me out now.

I left for Arizona for all of the wrong reasons but I left Toronto for all of the right reasons.

I need to embrace my old self. Bring back the girl that was adventurous beyond belief and create a new foundation for a wonderful future. I believe I deserve to be happy, but what matters most is Dexter's happiness.

So, as my move to Toronto was for Babu, my upcoming move is for Dexter.

Dexter Update

Dexter is doing so well.

Potty training is going very slowly but he has been peeing on his puppy pad on his own now.

He doesn't particularly enjoy walking on a leash (we have just been practicing on the deck mostly because he doesn't have his second set of puppy vaccinations yet).

My Dad bought him a crate yesterday so last night was his first night sleeping in it. It's one of the fancy crates that has a divider in it to give the puppies just the right amount of space they need. He doesn't seem to enjoy being confined though, he cries quite a bit. It makes me so sad. But he will get used to it!

He has gotten so much better in the car as well. Our first car ride was almost disastrous. But now he sits on my lap quietly; I'm trying to prepare him for our journey ahead of us!

I take him for a walk (I hold him) with my mom and her dog and my mom's friend Tina and her dog, every night. I'm hoping he'll catch on to what the other dogs are doing so walking him will be easier.

He gets his shots on Tuesday, and then the real training will begin!!

I'm tired but enjoying him very much.

Dexter's First Video

My New Addition Has Arrived! Welcome - Dexter!

My bundle of joy arrived today at noon!

I met him out front of the Tim Horton's across the street from my parent's house.

I had the breeder meet me at the Tim Horton's because the directions to my parents unit is quite tricky for out of towner's. She drove in from Burlington to drop him off! My dad came over with me to wait, once the breeder got there, she was immensely emotional. Dexter is her last puppy to sell. She brought him over to Dad and it was adorable because I've been talking about naming him Dexter for a few days; but my Dad said to Mary (the breeder) "He looks like a Gizmo!" And both of us were like "EEEE no way!" But she definitely approved of the name I choose for him. She explained how her family called him Bandit because he stole sandals from the door at their house.

We had an exciting first day. Once home, I allowed Dexter to explore portions of the house. I also acquainted him with his new travel crate (since I am still planning a move, I haven't invested in a metal crate yet). He cried while in it but once I gave him treats he settled in quite fine. I scented his new blankie so tonight he'll be more apt to sleeping in the crate. He's been absolutely fantastic about going potty on the puppy training pads although a few accidents have occurred. He adores his new toys, especially the puppy kong; I can tell he is teething! And later in the evening, after the rain stopped, my Mom, her friend Tina and I all took our dogs out for a walk. Unfortunately since Dexter is only 8 weeks and has only received his first set of vaccinations, I held him instead of walking him. His bright eyes beamed the entire walk.

He has such a spunky personality. For such a young, and tiny (just over a pound) puppy, he seems extremely social; chasing the older dogs around the house all evening sure did tucker him out! He has quite the appetite too!

I can't even describe my happiness right now although I do admit earlier I spent a bit of time crying, mostly because I am incredibly tired and I fear I'll be a horrible owner but I do believe I am over that. I think he is exactly what I needed to ground me. Now to find a dog friendly apartment out west and I'll be set.

Enjoy the photos from his first day home with me :)

Worse Than Christmas!

I am toooooooooooo excited to sleeeeeeeeeeep.

Just a few hours until Dexter!!!

*smiles brightly*

One Day I Will Be Joyful and Happy and Lovely.

I feel cursed. I don’t know how else to put it. I am captured inside of this box full of catastrophes and I can’t escape because when I try, I am pulled back in. My life is generally full of darkness. When I am hopeful and optimistic, I am faced with the reality of my unrealistic expectations and my hopes get shattered. People come and go; few manage to stay, if any at all.

I’m sitting here surrounded by all of my school books. I am fretting. I didn’t realize what I was getting myself into. I thought this would be a fantastic change of pace, especially to begin a new life with Christopher, now most of me regrets it… I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t be in this house. I shouldn’t be in this city. I never dreamed I would be stuck in this situation.

What I haven’t given up, I lost…

I’m really struggling. I try to put on a happy face but it is getting harder and harder. I hate everything about my situation right now. What on Earth do I do now? It's so easy for him to say go back to Toronto... I can't just heal myself in 20 seconds like he did.

One day I hope to be healed.

Inspire. Write.

Recently I was given a beautiful pink journal from someone special that read, "Inspire" on the front cover. Loosely tucked around its covers was a motivating memorandum saying,

"Write. Let your pen move across the page. Don’t edit. Just write. A list is a poem is a travelogue is a short story. A journal is meant to be used. Well-used and worn. So write.”

I wanted to share this quote; because as simple as it may sound, for someone like myself, who prides herself on writing, it really does inspire.

The journal was purchased at Starbucks. And yes, I absolutely love Starbucks.

Phoenix failed. I hate using the word “failure” but what it chalks up to be, is failure. Despite trying to have an open mind, I went, realized that I hadn’t quite thought it through as much as I should have and left. Don’t get me wrong, even just seeing the city for a night was magnificent. I believe there is a lot of potential there and I would love to go back. I just need to sort myself out first. I went with unrealistic expectations, of myself, and of others. It was unfair of me to do. During the weeks prior to going, I was fearful and frightened, but instead of listening to my fears rationally and reconsidering, I dove in, which has two outcomes; good or bad... my adventure was not planned properly, therefore turned sour rather quickly. This time, I am stuck in the shithole city I grew up in and I am able to see things more clearly. Trust me, being here, back in my parents’ house (and they moved since I lived here so technically I no longer have a room), actually living here, after four years of being out and about, I am faced with a harsh reality; do I have enough resources now, after giving everything up in Toronto, to venture off and be out there on my own again? And if I don’t, what does that say about me? And if I do, when can I gain the courage to try once again?

Thankfully, I have school. University is grounding. My parents continue to insist I stay here, find a part time job and focus on my studies while living here… and usually, I would have to agree. But unfortunately, my hatred of this city and my allergies from the house prevent me from doing so. Also, I am far too much of a free-spirit to ever allow myself to be trapped here. I have been here for 3 days and have already had too much. To put it clearly; I am going fucking insane.

But with my recent communication problems; that being too busy to actually discuss expectations of one another, which was also the downfall in my previous relationship, I once again find myself back at square one. Phoenix was a huge misunderstanding. And it was unrealistic because both parities assumed major life altering changes had occurred when in reality, it hadn’t.

So now what? Where do I go from here? At times I feel lost, incomplete, and miserable because I feel stuck. Am I stuck? How do I find the means to leave again? Where do I go?

What was reassuring today was my horoscope, and yes I know horoscopes aren’t factual and such but in a way, I needed to hear it from somewhere…

“Travel and communications seem to be the answers to your problems, but sometimes knowing more does not answer the questions that really count. Try to come up with new ways of earning extra cash. Use your heightened creativity and bountiful energy to increase your income. Romantic opportunities will be plentiful if you get out and meet new people.”

Perhaps with proper communication, my will to travel and learn, I will be able to leave here and grow with someone else…

After all, there came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. - Anaïs Nin

In Boston

I am in Boston on my 2 hour layover to Phoenix. I'm nervous for what lies ahead but I am trying to stay positive.

The ocean here is beautiful, makes me sad I'm not spending any time here... it has been 4 years since I've visited Boston. Wow has life ever changed.

One more flight until I am at my new home...

Motel 6, Buffalo NY

I’m at the Motel 6 in Buffalo, New York. Yesterday, Canada Day, was my last night in Canada – at least for now. Leaving my parents place this evening was very difficult. My mom and I spent all of Tuesday together, hanging out, catching up, reminiscing, and during one of our conversations she said to me, “I think it is good you are moving away, I just think now is the wrong time.” I believe she meant to say that I was doing it for the wrong reasons, not necessarily doing it at the wrong time. Life is changing, I keep repeating that, mostly to myself because if I say it enough, maybe I will believe it is inevitable and I should just say “fuck it” and jump into it with a new perspective. It’s no easy task. Over the past few days, thanks to Christopher, I was able to meet up with Celine, Michael and Nicole – my three favorite people; each of them know me as the adventurer… the one that can’t be held back… but talking to them about my fear of moving was a great way to feel better about it all; their undying support and love has helped me make it this far. I know I have not left yet. I know making it to Buffalo (flying out of the Buffalo Airport) is not as big of a deal as actually getting on that plane… but I fear it. My gut is telling me to go, try it on for size, if I don’t like it then fly back, or fly somewhere else… but my mind is causing me to panic, and my heart is broken, hurting and wishing I could just shut down for awhile to repair. I’m contemplating. Do I jump in, move and try? Or do I stay, try to rebuild here? But there is no “here” anymore… I no longer have my Toronto apartment, my furniture, most of my belongings. What is stopping me? Irrational fear of the unknown… But I am an adrenalin junkie – the girl who can’t be stopped so why not go? Use this experience as a life lesson. So I keep thinking, what are the reasons for this sudden change of scenery? Christopher. There are, of course, other smaller reasons, but for the most part, Christopher. Life lesson learned. How do I turn back now? My Dad kept trying to convince me that the timing is erroneous, but in the end he called his sister Lorraine (who lives in California) to ask her to watch out for me if I ever needed it. I know this may sound simple, but they haven’t spoken in years, so to me, my dad just proved himself more of a hero. I already miss my family and friends.

I’m happy, sad, excited, fearful…

My flight leaves at 3:00pm tomorrow.