Last Night in TO

I’m in the middle of packing. My last night. I’m heartbroken, sad, fearful, excited, joyful and ambitious all in one. My moods are flipping back and forth rapidly. Christopher is here, but he is distant, busy doing his own thing on the computer. Packing is difficult. Moving is difficult. My life in Toronto is gone. As of tomorrow I will be off, doing my own thing as well… off in the big world, alone. But, not alone because I’m moving in with some great people but it feels like I am alone. I’m so happy to be doing this, so scared to be doing this. I have no idea how long I will be gone for. Not only is tonight my last night in Toronto, it is my last night in Canada. Tomorrow I am heading across the border, and on July 3rd I’ll officially be in my new “home” in Phoenix.

Time to close this chapter and open a new one…

Goodbye Toronto.

"This time I as I"

All of a sudden I woke up and things were unusual. I’m changing; life is changing and everything is different, almost unrecognizable. I’ve been pretending in order to keep myself from falling; hoping that once I was out there, away from here, that things would correct itself. I was foolish to believe such things. I’ve allowed my entire life I have created, built from scratch during the most convoluted parts of my life, here in Toronto to disappear before my very own eyes.

I put myself on hold, gave up everything I once cared about, to dive in head on, focus on rebuilding my life with someone else… but while I was busy sorting everything out, he slipped from my grasp because I was imprudent enough not to realize that what I was doing was damaging my relationship. My communication skills were put on the back burner and despite me believing he understood what I was doing, he essentially didn’t and it failed. And now, I have given everything up, which was ultimately for him. But he is gone and in part it was a mutual split, and in part it was not; I learned plenty of things about myself over the last little while, how trying is of utmost importance when it comes to love; how the past can work against you and end up ruining even the greatest of moments…

Now, albeit hard, to rebuild, to recreate, to view life differently, to start fresh… this time I’m self-aware. I’m starting all over again…

So here I am, sitting in my west end Toronto apartment, with nothing left but a suitcase and a few odds and ends… wondering where to go, what to do, how to start all over again; this time, on my own… far, far away. It’s almost time to close this chapter, move on and begin a brand new one…

And once I am on the road, headed out of here, the mending will begin. It may be a slow process, but time will heal all of these open wounds.

Almost a year ago to the day I was faced with the unexpected. Now, here I am, trying to put the pieces of my life back together, and with the freedom I now have, that was debated for over half a year, I have so many opportunities; so many things to see. It won’t be easy, but when is anything ever easy? Life is challenging and the only way to get through it is to jump in, take risks that may or may not work out in the end but if you never tried, you would never know the outcome.

I’ve considered and reconsidered, my heart tells me something, my mind another, my heart hurts, my head hurts; I make myself sick sometimes thinking too hard, but the truth is, I can’t be here anymore… not now… maybe eventually, just not now. I’m not ready to start over here.

This is me jumping in… eyes wide open, scared shitless but ready to take on a new chapter.

To Someone Who Has Always Believed in Me

Happy Birthday, Michael.

I hope your birthday is super amazing... you deserve it more than anyone else in the world.

I love you.

Love

Love is a strange yet incredibly pure and simple thing. It is extremely hard to describe with words. Love enables you to see the world in a completely new and different perspective. Falling in love is similar to letting everything go and enjoying the road ahead. Sharing life with another person has so many miraculous perks. Being able to feel someone’s touch, looking into their eyes, listening to their soothing and comforting voice… these are gifts that should be cherished and never taken for granted. When one is down, the other is there to pick up the pieces. And in turn, they are there for you to do the same. Sometimes those pieces don’t fit together as perfectly as they did before, but life works in mysterious ways. Life isn’t perfect, nor is love, and sometimes we have ups and downs, these can be dramatic or not, but it is always easier with someone you love. As impossible as it seems, love can make time stand still, frozen as you stare at each other, and nothing else matters until you pull away from their grasp. Love brings many strong and powerful emotions. There can be unforeseen moments that bring fear, pain, and perhaps sorrow, but love can concur those battles if you put all of your trust into it. Love is unconditional, almost spiritual and is what life is truly about.

I began writing this for Christopher on Valentine's Day... :(

Woofstock 2008 with Kelevra

This is what I call pure, absolute happiness in its rawest form.

Don't Let Go

I can't believe this moment's come
It's so incredible that we're alone
There's so much to be said and done
It's impossible not to be overcome
Will you forgive me if I feel this way
Cause we've just met - tell me that's okay
So take this feeling, make it grow
Never let it - never let it go

(Don't let go of the things you believe in)
You give me something that I can believe in
(No don't let go of this moment in time)
Go of this moment in time
(Don't let go of things that you're feeling)
I can't explain the things that I'm feeling
(No don't let go)
No, I won't let go

Now would you mind if I bared my soul
(Bared my soul to you)
If I came right out and said you're beautiful
Cause there's something here I can't explain
I feel I'm diving into (diving) driving rain
You get my senses running wild
I can't resist your sweet, sweet smile
So take this feeling make it grow
Never let it - never let it go

(Don't let go of the things you believe in)
You give me something that I can believe in
(No don't let go of this moment in time)
Go of this moment in time
(Don't let go of things that you're feeling)
I can't explain the things that I'm feeling
(No don't let go)
No, I won't let go

I've been waiting all my life
To make this moment feel so right
The feel of you just fills the night
So come on - just hold on tight...

Sarah McLachlan and Bryan Adams