Today Was Going To Be Moving Day

I know sometimes I can seem quite complicated, or I complicate even the simplest of things… but for me, everything feels complicated on some level. Recently I put myself out there in the rawest form; I made serious life altering decisions thinking I was doing it based purely on love. These decisions weren’t easy but I made them because I needed change. It feels I have given up my entire life. I know that clearly isn’t the case but the life that took me years to establish here in Toronto is almost completely gone. I gave up my apartment, sold my furniture, sent all of my belongings to storage where I no longer have access to them but most importantly, I allowed myself to get so caught up in the moment that I actually flunked out of journalism school. Although these actions weren’t clearly shown as a sign of intimacy and love for this person, deep down they really were. Everything I did was for love, to begin something new, something fresh, something so passionate. But in the end, things turned sour, everything stopped suddenly without me suspecting a thing, and here I am, broken hearted, hurting, empty and confused. In these few short weeks I have learned a lot about myself. I believe strongly in love. I believe strongly in soul mates but is it possible for everyone to find their soul mate? I need passion; passion that is so intense it will melt my heart… and when you feel that for someone and lose them, things become jumbled, and things fall apart. I admit I am confused but my feelings were and are so real.

I haven’t even begun to mend yet...

There Are No Words To Express How I Feel

All I can say right now is that my heart is breaking and I am hurting rather significantly.

No Progress Despite Efforts

I’ve been under a lot of stress. I had a period between school being finished and work beginning where I should have done more self-exploring but rather got myself involved in Christopher’s move that is still not 100% completed and probably never will be. I’m at a serious stand still. How do I get myself out of this incredibly deep hole that I have so deviously dug for myself? An incident happened while I was in London where it caused a lot of suspicion. I got hurt. It still hurts. The worst of it is, my emotions got hurt. When you think you have sorted everything out you open another door that you weren’t expecting and once again you are back at square one. I keep swallowing all of it hoping things will change and it doesn’t and we keep repeating the same old pattern over again.

The highlight of this time was being able to see my parents yesterday. I bought my mom this lovely necklace that is a circle created out of the word “mom”. She seemed to love it. My parents bought me an incredibly lovely ring and earrings. They are scared I am leaving and not returning. I don’t blame them. They definitely know me by now… if it were my child, I would be falling apart right about now.

Christopher didn’t want to stay long, and unfortunately I had to have his help bringing a lot of large items or I would have gone on my own. I miss them. I hate their city, but I miss them so much. It’s difficult for me to get out there on my own, yes it is one Greyhound bus away but it’s costly and I have too much stuff going on here. But Christopher doesn’t seem to enjoy their company as much as I had hoped… I know it is judgment of a certain kind but it’s become unspeakable – I just break down every time I hear it. But I suppose if I am not good enough, my family wouldn’t be either… yet they are so accepting… unlike his parents who hate me for some unseen reason.

The hardest thing I have had to do of late was leave Babu’s ashes at my parents. I admit it, I cried… I want him with me. I miss him every moment of every day and most people don’t understand but my heart aches for him. He was my child… but I left his ashes there because my life is so complicated right now and as of the end of May I no longer have a place to live and I can’t risk losing him…

My life is full of complications. I don’t know how to be that “good girl” that everyone wants.

Christopher’s expectations of me are so surreal at times that I become lost in his ideas that I can barely breathe. And it ends up just like this where I am ignored and he is out sleeping on the couch because he is fiercely angry at me so he can’t be around me or something bad may come of it.

So here I am; empty, lost… I downed a pile of Nyquil to knock me out for the night but it hasn’t kicked in yet. I know that isn’t healthy but at this point I just need everything to stop for awhile. I don’t want to be so wide awake.

Pay Attention - it's simple.

I’m left behind. It isn’t a fear anymore; I’ve come to accept it. These feelings of insignificance are very real. The back burner is a cold place but I guess it is better than being thrown around. How can someone so passionate be programmed to say so little? It’s a question about fucking up. I can’t follow through with anything I have started. I change my mind a lot; I never stop thinking. My insomnia eats me alive because there is nowhere to turn. These thoughts are my pistols; if only… the rain is coming down… it is pouring. I can’t recognize myself anymore. I normally adapt well but this situation is turning sour. I’m silenced. I’m ignored. I don’t have to disappear, I’m not included anyway… there is no hyper focusing – the fabulous part of being worthless. In times of dire need we tend to resort back to what our original coping mechanisms were, despite the fact they can be alarming.

Can I have one night?

I’m feeling rather frustrated.

Christopher is in bed asleep beside me.

He went out with a friend tonight, got home around 10:30, spent 45 minutes watching The Sopranos and then surfed the net for awhile until he said he was tired and went to bed.

It pisses me off because he has gone out two nights in a row, last night not getting home until incredibly late where I was already in bed sleeping.

I don’t mind that he goes out, I want him to go out and enjoy himself; it’s just that I only get to see him when we are doing something to keep us “busy” like moving for instance. Yes I admit we take time to go grab brunch, or go to the dog park with Kelevra, but it just seems that he isn’t eager to spend “us” time together… so although I am glad he gets to go out with the boys and have fun, I just feel left out because when I see him he is always occupied doing his own thing.

For once it would be nice to be able to spend a day just doing things together, for each other, with each other… like having a date night, or even just a night where we can cuddle in bed and watch a movie together or something. I can't even remember the last time we - uh nevermind.

I am just tired of us always being busy. I am tired of spending so much time sorting, packing, purging, and moving… will it ever end? We don’t even know where we are moving to, or when we are even moving. And of course to top it all off, I begin work tomorrow…


Which means, all day tomorrow I won’t get to see him… and when I suggested us go see a movie tomorrow night, he forgot (his ADD, unfortunately) and now wants to go for dinner with his parents so he won’t be home until late – yet again.

And Sunday we are headed to my parents…

Seriously I am exhausted.

Sighs.

Six Months

Today is Christopher’s and my six month anniversary. Six months already – all I can really say is "wow."

Six months of confusion, love, exploration...

A lot has happened in six months. I can't even recognize myself anymore.

My mind is conflicted. I still feel the butterflies like I did on day one… but I am still that little girl inside. I try to hide from it.

I wish I knew what the right thing to do was.

I’m looking around at this clutter. My mind is cluttered. My heart may very well be cluttered as well.

I need to sit down and create a map of where I am headed.

In a few weeks I will have nowhere to go… nowhere to live… and it will come crashing down and things will change and I can only hope I won't be left behind…

But he makes me happy...

Toronto - for now...

Finally back in Toronto.

I got a job at Canada’s Wonderland (for the second time). I am a ride operator for the kiddie ride, Chopper Chase. The money sucks but it’s temporary. *shrugs* The interview was actually amusing. It was a group of four applicants, answering a series of five questions directed toward the interviewers. I thought I would have been more nervous but I wasn’t. I was confident, proud and almost carefree. The interviewers seemed to love my responses since I applied as an attendant and got an operator position instead.

I start work Saturday and begin training on Thursday May 15th.

I am still in London. How I wish it were London, England.

Not much to report out here. Christopher is still not completely finished his move but very close now, just the office and van to take care of. The locker is finished (besides the office and van stuff obviously) so that is a relief.

My entire left side hurts. My elbow is scraped, my hip is bruised. Ahh. It hurts to sleep which is awful because I tend to sleep on my left side. I did however sleep until almost 2:00 p.m. today and am still exhausted enough to sleep for the rest of the day.

I have a job interview in Toronto on Monday. But we are now talking about just moving officially out to London for the next two months. If only we were able to decide on something; anything…

And now it just seems our relationship is on the rocks.

Mitch has been after me to visit him out in Arizona for a little bit. I want to because I need to escape from here, from all of the stresses here, but Christopher doesn’t want me to go.