In London

I've been sleeping all day. I'm so exhausted. I've been pretty busy and stressed lately.

But I am happy to announce Christopher is finally all moved out of his parents place. Now to tackle the storage locker - that is another issue. He still doesn't seem keen on calling my apartment his place, nor does he seem too keen on getting his stuff stored to come back to Toronto. Perhaps he is trying to avoid my place, perhaps that isn't the case at all... all I know is that he seems more than fine with sleeping in his office at UWO and not going back to Toronto. Perhaps I'm just getting left behind...

I was hoping to be finding work in Toronto by now but I told Christopher I'd stay in London until Wednesday to help. Last week he didn't want me here, now apparently he does. It is a confusing matter. I don't know if I am welcomed or not, I don't know if I am helpful or not.

We're starting to discuss our relationship and our move more extensively now. At this point I'm not sure of the location. I just need to start fresh, both relationship and location. Expectations on both of our sides are too high, I think I just need a bit of understanding...

I'm suffocating. I know, I keep repeating it but it is true. I've lost everything and I am not blaming anyone but myself. I tried to build a life for myself in Toronto but it didn't work out as planned. I tried to build a life with Christopher but most days it seems he is to preoccupied with his own stuff to notice me trying.

It's a difficult situation because I need to juggle his needs and my needs but it seems that my needs are always forgotten. It's not his fault, it is my own. He loves me, he tells me that all the time.

In a month I have absolutely no idea where I will be. I'm just walking into further confusion.

Still Moving Christopher...

As much as I am glad I helped Christopher move, it was particularly exasperating. I didn’t realize he had so much stuff. We’re still not technically done moving. Christopher still has quite a bit of stuff left at his parents. We got it tapered down to the basement and the garage but I am sure it will take awhile to move it all out. The 8x10 storage locker is packed full; I’ll be shocked if anything else fits in it. Christopher insists he is the world’s best packer and I think he actually might be right on that one, but he needs to learn how to purge because he hasn’t mastered that skill.

So anyway, we began packing the truck Friday evening. His parents refused to let me stay over so Christopher drove me home at midnight and I took the TTC back to his place at 8:00 a.m. Saturday. We spent most of the morning and early afternoon loading the truck, managed to get to London just after 3:00 p.m. and spent the entire evening/night unpacking the truck into the locker. By 2:00 a.m. I couldn’t keep my eyes open long enough to help. I was beginning to feel super sick, my meds were wearing off so I crashed on and off on his couch that was still in the hallway of the storage place waiting to be put into the locker; until early morning when Christopher went and got us Starbucks. Although Christopher insists I was more help than I think, I still think I could have done more… especially since he was up all night working on it. At one point I tried helping and Christopher ended up dropping a box and it hit my head/face… it didn’t really hurt but the surprise of it made me black out for a second so I gave up.

I had to take the bus back to Toronto yesterday because Christopher needed to stay in London for a doctor’s appointment today and I had my final exam yesterday afternoon. He is reorganizing the storage locker so he can fit more stuff into it later so he doesn’t know if he will be home tonight or tomorrow morning. His parents told him he needs to be at their place by noon tomorrow to remove the rest of his belongings.

I’m missing him so much. I was looking forward to him living here with me by now.

He was amazingly sweet yesterday morning. I caught the 8:30 a.m. bus and he waited with me at the Greyhound terminal. When I boarded the bus, he found me sitting and the back and wrote “I love you Sarah” on the bus window. He even brought Kelevra quickly before the bus left so I could wave bye to both of them.

Back to moving tomorrow…

Christopher's Moving Days are Upon Us!

Christopher ended up booking the moving truck for today and tomorrow (such a smarty pants he is teehee) so his parents are allowing me to go over both days to help him move (wow! sometimes it feels like we are in grade school again). They won't let me sleep over tonight though so we'll probably be packing until late, and then I have to trek all the way home just to go back FIRST thing in the morning. We need to be in London tomorrow for 2:00 p.m. ish which means we need to leave here no later than noon.

Lovely.

It will be so nice when we are far, far away.

In Process of Cancelling Accounts

How I LOVE being on hold forever!!!

Ahh, I just want to cancel my cable, internet and phone accounts.

I talked to Rogers, had NO idea you had to give them 30 days notice, damn rip-off's. Thankfully I didn't wait until the last minute like I normally do, so I still have a bit of time to play with.

At least Rogers didn't give me any hassle like they normally do. With their crappy service THEY should pay my last bill. Wishful thinking, eh?

I'm on hold (have been for 20 minutes now) with the phone company. I'm going to use the same cancellation date so it makes everything easy.

I want to take care of all final bills prior to moving... that is very important.

See, I am responsible! ;)

Political Geography Complete

I wrote my exam tonight. I have no idea how it went - I am hoping I at least passed. So that class is officially completed. I don't know when I'll be able to find out my mark but hopefully it's good!!

Ahh, stress gone.

Few Days!

I’m in the home stretch!

Just putting the finishing touches on my journalism blog due for my Digital Pre-press class Friday. I have my Political Geography exam tomorrow evening from 6-8 p.m. so hopefully it won’t be too difficult. I haven’t really studied for it. I plan to go over my notes and scam through the text book as best I can throughout the day tomorrow. Also I want to try and make it to the college early so I can sell some text books and pick up transcripts for OSAP. Not sure if it is doable yet though. Monday is my last exam; for my English class. I can’t wait until it is finished but I am so sad. I can’t believe I fucked up this much. Even in hospital for two months during my first year I did better than this. I don’t have the heart to tell my parents… not now at least, maybe not ever.

I’m worried about studying Psychology beginning July. My pattern is so predictable.

Only a few days until Christopher lives here. Zero policy, eh? I hope so. I’m so excited!

Five Days!

Five days until my love will be living here.

I just want him here… I want him here now. I miss him so much when he is gone. I am such a sap.

Last night was hard. Being away from him for so long is upsetting so we had an argument but when we made up, he whispered in my ear that he thinks we should get a dog together… it was very sweet. He is sweet.

We sort of discussed possibilities today and I think we have decided to get another Golden Doodle. This time a female (he refuses to allow me to name her Tinkerbelle hehehe) so we can breed Kelevra with her. I’ve always thought it would be amazing to do that and our passion for dogs will make us great breeders. Of course if we get a female puppy she won’t be ready for breeding for awhile so that gives us plenty of time to settle into a new place somewhere.

I still want a little dog… maybe one day I’ll get a little dog… I just want to make sure Christopher is happy too. He’s the most important.

Pink Roses!

I am such a lucky girl. Christopher is so wonderful. He brought these over to surprise me. He hid them under the blanket on my side of the bed. :) Awe - he's a sweetheart.

Thanks so much, baby.

Yorkie for Us?

I’ve wanted to get a small dog for a very long time. This is something that I have debated with myself for as long as I have been out on my own for. I was raised with dogs, and miss having one around. I haven’t yet because I just didn’t have the perfect opportunity. Now, it seems I do. I’ve been offered a purebred Yorkie for $300 which is an AMAZING deal for a purebred.

And I must admit, if I wasn’t in a relationship, I would snatch this little Yorkie up without questioning. But, I am in a relationship. And the thing is, I am in a relationship with someone who has ADD, who hyper focuses on certain things, yet ignores others (not his fault, but that is an unfortunate symptom of ADD). I am in a relationship with someone who already has a dog, a dog in which he loves more than I can even describe and sometimes I feel the dog comes before I do. All of his profiles have photos of him and Kelevra, or just pictures of Kelevra... but I am always left out and I fear this new puppy will be as left out as I am. And I'm scared that this puppy will notice Christopher paying much more attention to Kelevra, and I can't ignore Kelevra either (the attention has to be close to the same) so this puppy will be left out. I am not passing judgment, I am not begrudging, I am just trying to sort this out; primarily for myself.

So I am worried. If I get this Yorkie, will Christopher love it as much as Kelevra? Will Christopher want to take an active role as a puppy parent as he does with Kelevra? Will he spend as much time with it? Will he want to take care of him, help train him, love him, walk him, play with him, etc? This is a major decision to make. Christopher told me tonight that I should get this beautiful puppy, and I want him so badly… I really do… but I need to know Christopher can handle the extra responsibly. Part of me wanting this dog is to be able to share something so precious with my love. This isn’t about “me” wanting a dog anymore; it is about “us” wanting a dog.

I’ve become extremely close with Kelevra, so close in fact that I feel as if I have already established my role as his mommy. This is a big deal for me and I don’t think Christopher sees that. The other day in the dog park we were talking to another dog owner and (I can’t remember the topic off hand) Christopher said something to the effect of “Sarah thinks my dog” and deep down, it really hurt because I have been looking after Kelevra on my own for weeks, and have been a part of his life for a long time now… and Christopher still feels that Kelevra is “his” dog and his alone. I get that Kelevra was Christopher’s to begin with, but he should know how that feels being he was once in a relationship with someone where he became a father figure to a little girl… but when I try to say something about it, I feel he doesn’t want to hear how I feel on the matter. I believe Kelevra is my responsibility as well as his…

So I want to get a dog that is ours. Not mine. Not his. But ours.

Is that stupid? Is it too early? Is it even possible?

I just don’t want to be in a relationship where I am always left out… and seeing how it is with Kelevra… I am left out… Christopher doesn’t think of me when it comes to vet appointments (I have to CONSTANTLY ask him if I can come – he doesn’t get that I think Kelevra is my dog too so I obviously want to be there) and that is only one example.

I want to make sure this dog is loved, and I can guarantee on my end he will be, but tonight when I asked Christopher if he would be able to share his love equally he said, “I can’t guarantee that I will love him as much as Kelevra but I will try” which threw a red flag up. Usually trying is good, but in this case I need more than that. If we had a baby, would he only “try” to love it as much as Kelevra? The thing with dogs is, they need to be treated as equal as possible. I’ve had two dogs at once… I know this. If one is treated “better” or “differently” then there becomes jealously, rebellion, etc. In a way it is much like humans are.

Sorry, this post is long, but I am so confused.

Perhaps now is not the time to get another dog…

I was thinking about leaving this decision to Christopher, telling him that when he feels ready for another he should get it, but then it wouldn't be for "us" it would be for "him" and this will be a vicious circle.

Kelevra is wonderful, I just think he would love a sibling (and he prefers little dogs just by his reaction at the dog park). I just want something that is MINE and CHRISTOPHER’S. Not just Christopher’s. I want all of us to be a family, Christopher, me, Kelevra and if we decide to get another dog...

I don’t think Christopher will ever give me that opportunity with Kelevra… and I just want to feel that.... I can't explain it any better.

:(

Closure for an incident that never should have happened...

As I took Kelevra out for a walk this afternoon I saw two police cars pull into the driveway of my building. I didn’t think much of it since there tend to be cops at my building quite often, but as I was walking back into the front entrance of my building, I heard someone call out, “Sarah.” I just saw the police officers get back into their car as I crossed the street from the park and I didn’t notice any one else around so a quick flash went through my head.

I slowly, very slowly, turned around.

It was weird because the events of last summer still haunt me. I think they will for awhile, at least until I sort things out inside of my own head. I do a pretty good job about hiding how I feel about the whole incident but some days, it just eats at me… even though the outcome was what I hoped for, the whole ordeal still brings me to tears – like right now.

So I turned around, and low and behold, it was the officer that was there the night of my arrest.

I didn’t really know what else to say so I choked up a soft, “sorry” and to be honest, it was genuine. I’ve wanted to apologize for that night for a long time. It was a huge accident. Everything about that night was a huge accident.

So we had a bit of chit-chat. He wanted to know what happened that night. I told him about my peace bond but left out any of the details of jail. I briefly mentioned mental health diversion but only in regards to seeing a doctor. He wanted to know if I was still seeing a doctor, taking meds, and how I was doing.

I told him about the move and how I thought it would be good to be out of the neighborhood and he said he understood.

And at the end of our conversation, he said “I’m sorry, Sarah. I wish you all of the best… I really do.”

In a way, that brief conversation was closure. It was just like saying, “no hard feelings” and I am glad I had the opportunity to speak to him before I moved…

I guess the end of that has now been written, time to fill in the rest of the pages.

Does Packing Ever End??

I’m missing Christopher.

Next weekend he’ll officially be living here. But apparently his purge and pack is going much slower than anticipated so now I am beginning to worry if he’ll even have it done by the 19th. His parents are still adamant about not letting me over to help.

My purge and pack is going well. I am in the process of selling off my furniture which seems to be going well. Last night I sold a pet bed that Kelevra refuses to sleep on without wrecking, and today I am selling my Ikea wardrobe for $50. I wish I had sold it for a lot more but I suppose it is too late to dwell on that now. I am hopefully selling my bed set for $175 later this month. My roommate is staying on in the apartment so I offered him all of the kitchen stuff but he hasn’t gotten back to me so eventually I will be selling all of that stuff too. I’m going to throw my dresser and desk out later next month because they aren’t in great condition.

I’ve packed into 4 categories.

1) Sell
2) Storage
3) Parents
4) Coming with us on our trip

I’ve pretty much given all that I could to Goodwill. I am sure I will be able to come up with another garbage bag or two but I have narrowed my stuff down quite a bit.

I can only bring a certain amount of belongings with me on our trip. Primarily the clothes I always wear and a few pairs of shoes. Of course my laptop, camera and other necessary items will be coming along, but other than that, not a whole lot.

Trust me, it makes packing rather difficult!!

Take me, just take me...

Well I am finished my essays. Celine was a doll and checked them over for me. I sent my Political Geography essay to Christopher but he never got around to helping me with it… not important enough, I suppose. Anyway, it’s great to be done them!

A few assignments left and I am done school.

But I am so sad.

I totally set myself up for failure this semester. In a way, I think going on the Pacific Northwest trip was absolutely stupid of me. Not only is Christopher on my back about financial stuff now (with my own financial crap burning inside of my head on top of that), I was gone too long… I must admit, that was my own fault, but it never should have happened. I got distracted, unfocused and discovered a whole new world… now for a “normal” person, that wouldn’t matter… but for an adventurous person who suffers from rapid mood cycling… that isn’t very good. So here I am, yet again, suffocating in my environment, longing to get out… but the fact of the matter is, there is nowhere to go.

For whatever reason tonight I have discovered that my path to happiness is going to end abruptly.

How can I just move out with Christopher in a van headed nowhere in particular? At least no where I can work and earn a living. Nowhere with an internet connection to do my homework at Athabasca (which I was officially accepted into their Psychology degree program today – go me!) I so desperately want to be on the ocean, away from here, in a new environment, but the reality is, my life is too much of a mess. I have absolutely no direction. I allowed myself to flunk out of school, what is to say that won’t happen again? I lose focus WAY too easily… and I am dating a guy who loses focus way too easily as well. I rely on Christopher for way too many things when I shouldn’t because like the essay… he can’t focus long enough to help me. And having Bipolar, off meds, I am stuck facing all of the symptoms head on… but the thing is, I’d rather suffer than take meds. No one understands but me. The symptom I hate the most is, my inability to follow through with what I begin. So many projects… so few finished. I guess that is why I am so proud of my book, The Forsaken Innocence. I wrote it during a period of utter confusion while I was a young teenage girl.

No one had faith in me back then. Now, I guess I can say a few people have faith in me… but I hide because I know I can’t live up to their expectations. I haven’t talked to my parents in what seems like forever because I am scared I will have a nervous breakdown in front of them. The last thing I want to do is tell them the truth about school. Second college program… second program to drop out of… I can’t live up to anything close to what my oldest brother is (and I am so proud of him)… and it bugs them. They see my potential… usually I see my potential too… but this illness stops me. It isn’t an excuse.

What am I doing? Where am I going?

Sorry

I’m sorry. I am at a standstill. All this stress is eating me alive. School will be finished in two weeks and then Christopher and I will be officially living together. I just need to make sure my mood stays above water for the next little while so I can finish my assignments. It helps when Christopher is here. It is awful when I am exhausted. Christopher tried to get me onto a normal sleep schedule awhile ago, but of course I didn’t follow through. It isn’t easy when you suffer from insomnia. I hope once Christopher is living here he’ll help me again…

The Forsaken Innocence

I just wanted to let everyone know that I self-published a book of creative writing that I wrote! It was written at point of my life where I didn't believe I was going to make it through. It was before I was diagnosed with a mental illness so I must admit a lot of it is pure confusion, but who knows... maybe that will make a good read?

Please check it out. It means a lot to me; I really see this as an achievement in my life. And, if you buy it, I'll autograph it for you! ;)

The Forsaken Innocence



*beams brightly*

You Have No Idea...

For the guy who tried to ruin my life… here are three words for you: go fuck yourself.

Tonight while walking Kelevra through Black Creek, a guy came up behind me, grabbed me and if it weren’t for Kelevra, god knows what would have happened. Kelevra was off leash running through the trees and when he heard me scream, he came running toward me and barked as soon as he saw the guy holding me. I unfortunately didn’t get a good look at the guy. He was tall, dark skinned and wearing black (I think – or at least dark clothing)… The guy took off running when Kelevra started charging towards him. I called Kelevra and ran the other way.

I’m still pretty shaken up over it. I mean, I am okay and nothing serious happened but still, wow… intense.

I need to get the fuck out of here.

My 200th post, dedicated to my Love.

Things are changing. Rapidly. My whole life seems a blur now. It's fast. I'm spinning. Life is flying by and I'm left behind. I'm stuck in the middle of a road and no matter which way I turn there are too many cars to get by. What I believed I wanted turned out to be a lie. Does that make me a lie? Am I just lying to myself? I'm happy yet empty. I'm up yet down. My head pounds. My breathing slows. My heart throbs. Who am I? Where am I? Although I feel myself becoming worked up, I still can't seem to lift myself up off the ground. I'm not six feet under but I'm trapped beneath something. If I stay here I fear the worse, if I leave I am giving him up but he keeps me afloat... it's all confusing. I'm confused. Is it weird I want someone to make my decisions for me? If only I could breathe.

It's all for him...

Is my clutter your treasure?

Ever since I have been out on my own, my philosophy has been to move all of my belongings in one van load on moving day. But being I have created “a life” for myself in Toronto, I’ve collected a pile of furniture and items that no longer fit in a single van. Now that Christopher and I plan to move in together, I no longer need to keep any of my bedroom furniture (he thinks my bed is uncomfortable but it really isn’t, he is just used to sleeping on a mattress that probably cost a hell of a lot more than my entire set did) so I am selling it on Craigslist in order to make a bit of extra cash.

I’m now in the process of purging my junk. And junk it really is. Over the years I have managed to collect an extraordinary amount of stuff. Without even seriously trying, I have already given Goodwill 4 garbage bags full of clothes and shoes; I am now working on bag number 5. I went through my entrance closet today that was full of tools that I had purchased back in my theatre days. Now, I will classify myself as a “chick with tools” so I do not want to rid myself of them, I’m just going to have to keep them in storage until Christopher and I settle down but there are so many!

I am trying to purge enough stuff that I have room for Christopher to move in on April 19th with whatever he isn’t putting into storage; and so I will be able to pack the rest of my stuff quickly. I hate spending weeks on end packing; that is so not my style. One day, I would like to own a house, own furniture, create a real life for myself, but for now… decluttering is definitely my goal.

Poor Kelevra looks so bored watching me. He just wishes he was at the dog park.

Two More Months in Toronto...

So it is confirmed. I gave my two months notice to move!! I'm excited because it gives Christopher and I just enough time to organize and work on couple stuff before we leave the confines of a roommate and begin creating a life together on our own. This is a really big step for me. I've never actually lived with anyone I've been romantically involved with. I sort of have but never officially. But this time, wherever we end up, it will be ours, created by the both of us, for us. I am beyond excited.

Will it be the Pacific Northwest? Europe? We don't know yet, but I am still excited. Anywhere with Christopher will be great.

I've been living in my apartment for over a year and I must say, it will be good to get out of it. Although it is a great place, living with a roommate is beginning to drive me insane. Being that I'm a student it's important that I conserve financially, but thankfully I found Christopher when I least expected it, and now, with us growing as a couple, we're both able to leave our current situations (which have been awful for both of us) and hopefully create a happier, loving environment.

Eeek. So excited!

AND - Christopher moves into my apartment April 19th. The pack and purge is coming along and the countdown is on! Yay, only 18 more days.

Oh and PS:
I found out I am pregnant... yes... a baby...



NOT!
Happy April Fools!