Goodbye 2007... you won't be missed.

The last day of 2007…

There is so much I need to change… about myself, about my situation, about my relationship.

I want to let everything go.

I’ve learned some very tough lessons this year.

I rang in the New Year last year in a complex situation and throughout the year, despite making it to 2008, I struggled more than I probably ever struggled before.
I ran. I tried to escape from everything and in doing so; I ended up making the whole circumstance even tougher on myself.

When I thought they were protecting me, I ended up realizing that by my escaping, my disappearing act, I made it difficult for anyone to be around me. I made it difficult to deal with. I spent so much time isolating myself in fear that people were out to get me when in fact and in all reality, the people that hung around were only trying to help.

I felt like the enemy, like everyone was teaming up against me.

I might have went too far, I admit it.

I can’t believe everything I’ve done to myself, to my friends, to my loved ones…

I hit rock bottom Canada Day weekend. To be completely honest, I didn’t think I was going to make it out of it. I remember sitting in a tiny concrete room with the door locked, all alone, with absolutely nothing, unable to talk my way out of it like I normally do; to pull my disappearing act. All I could do was think to myself, think of what I could do to make it a lot better. I came to the realization that it is much easier to fix things before they’re plastered to the ground but I thought I was way too clever.

I was so sick, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I could barely move; my thoughts immobilized me. Everything, and I mean everything, was stripped away from me, I was left with nothing that I was familiar with; even my piercings were removed and I had no contact with the outside world. I was left there, all alone, for 23 and a half hours each day to contemplate everything that had played a part in my destruction.
But in the end I learned while I was sitting there on the concrete freezing, no one is there to catch you when you’re falling.

I’m thankful I didn’t end up where I thought I wanted to be at the time… where I thought things would be so much easier. But I’ve learned that only I can be the one to decide to change; only I can help myself before allowing others to help as well.

So now, although I’m still wrapped up in the court process, I want to make a New Year’s resolution for the first time ever… I’m going to spend a lot of time trying to change my life for the better.

I’m not going to expect a dramatic change overnight, but I am hoping, throughout 2008, I can overcome the challenges of court, I can finish my second year of journalism school, I can find a job, I can develop a treatment plan (and a crisis plan just in case) that I can stick with, I can lose the weight I gained from the medication for my Bipolarity, I can become more devoted to my relationship, and most importantly, I can make a conscious effort to recognize my symptoms in order to keep myself from falling like I did so many times this past year; there will never be another rock bottom like I recently experienced.

Thank goodness 2007 is over...

Blog URL Change

I need to apologize for the change in links and the lack of posts recently.

Due to an unfortunate circumstance I decided to change the link of my blog. For now I will leave it as sarahpawson.blogspot.com, but I may change it again shortly. I will keep everyone posted.

Thanks for bearing with me through this hassle.

I hope everyone had a fantastic Christmas!

I went through hell and back to get here...

I wish I could tell you just how happy I am at this moment.

Court went so well this morning that I am just bursting with overwhelming joy. I have now been approved for a full diversion. It is still unclear how long I will be remanded in diversion for but at this point, it could be a year and I would be content with it. Knowing that I will not be cursed with a criminal record the rest of my life is certainly relieving. And I no longer have the threat of returning to jail lingering in the back of my mind. I have to admit I see my experience behind bars as positive, but I never, ever, want to go back.

The stress of the whole court process has been tremendous and the people closest to me have had to battle the blues of all the anxiety and constant pressure I was put under. I want to thank each and every one of you who stood by my side throughout this, not losing your faith and staying positive when I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks Jeremy for being my surety and sitting in 102 court all day throughout the bail process, I could only imagine how annoying it was. And thanks to Christopher who, despite my moodiness and pressure, came to court to support me, I appreciate your company and hope you can make the rest.

You all have no idea what your positive influence has had on me. Thank you.

I really hate the cold.

I really ought to start blogging regularly again. I finally have the time but it seems I don’t want to put in the effort.

My plan is to work on my memoirs… hmm… day three into vacation with zero completed. Very productive, if you ask me. I suppose the book isn’t going to write itself. I just can’t seem to pinpoint the exact direction I want to take it in. I began it last year, about this time last year actually. And I managed to write a few chapters and then deleted it because new events took place. Focusing on writing a book is much harder than it seems; the dedication it takes is tremendous. For some reason, I just haven’t been able to hold my focus lately. Everything is a distraction. Like right now, I’m sitting in my living room watching the snow storm outside, hearing the van from my laptops cooling pad, listening to my dog breathe heavily as he sleeps at my feet… and with all of the things happening around me, I’m trying to focus on writing this simple blog.

So today, one of my bestest friends suggested I take one of his Dexedrine’s for his ADD (and if I haven't mentioned, Christopher also has ADD - odd how that is!). I took it, and I believe it did the opposite of what it’s actually supposed to do. My thoughts kept racing uncontrollably to the point where I didn’t even know what I was thinking anymore because my thoughts were so fast. I was walking around Queen Street West with Christopher and I could barely talk because I couldn’t keep focus. I wanted to try on a couple outfits in a store we were in but felt it was not a good idea. I think it was mostly because my body wasn’t adjusted to the new medication. I became rather irritable and snapped at Christopher a few times when all he was doing was asking questions. I didn’t even mean to, it was just that I couldn’t focus enough on him that I needed to take a moment to think about the simplest of questions; such as, “is this pamphlet garbage?” the answer was clearing, “yes, it is” but my brain had trouble wrapping its mind around if it was for the garbage or not. I felt confused and in a way, slightly disoriented. And when the meds wore off, I got so tired that it was hard to keep my eyes open. I now have a new appreciation for what Christopher goes through on a daily basis. And it makes sense that he sleeps a lot, the meds appear to give you a high, but the laws of science definitely play a role in that, what goes up must come down…

Speaking of sleep, I need to go wake Christopher up from a nap.

Sarah and Christopher save a guy's life on the TTC

Last night was quite a night. Christopher and I were switching trains at St. George Station around 10:00 pm and as we were walking towards the stairs down to the Bloor Danforth line, a guy who was obviously wigged out on some sort of drugs and alcohol staggered past us, and fell onto the southbound tracks.

I was so shocked. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I managed to look up, noticing a train approaching the station only meters from where the guy had fallen onto his back.

My love, Christopher, took off running to the end of the platform to cut the power to the trains in hope to stop the train from hitting the guy.

I heard the train coming, I looked down and the guy wasn’t moving. I leapt onto the tracks, throwing the guy as forcefully as I could up to the yellow lining of the platform. In an instant, not even knowing where I found the strength, I managed to pick the guy up onto the platform. I even managed to rescue the guy’s liquor bottle.

I saw the train coming. It was the scariest thing I have ever done or seen in my life. For a moment while I was struggling to get myself back onto the platform, everything just flashed in front of my eyes. I looked at Christopher at the end of the platform and thought for a brief second that may be the last time I would ever see him.

As I climbed back onto the platform, covered in dirt all over my hands and face, I saw the guy I rescued run up the escalator. He didn’t even look back to see if I was okay.

I wanted to break down right there. My emotions were so high that I could barely speak but I knew I had to be strong for Christopher who looked worried sick. His poor hands were cut up from having to break the Plexiglas to push the button.

I found out afterwards that Christopher did not even know that I had jumped onto the tracks to save this poor guy from being hit by the train. I wonder what he would have thought if he had actually seen me do it… I know I would have had a nervous breakdown if I had watched him jump onto the tracks – I could only imagine. Especially since all I can think about now is being down there, looking up at him, wondering if that would be the last time I’d ever see him again.

It is such a crazy feeling. I’m still in shock, a day later.

Afterwards, without the guy we saved being there, we spoke to TTC employees about what had happened. One of the subway operators pulled me aside and said it was amazing what I had done but he told me never to do it again. He couldn’t believe that I risked my life to save a guy who was clearly wasted. Thinking about it now, I can’t believe I did it either. The things you do in the moment… I really did risk my life, risked my future, and could have ended up leaving my love without me… wow that really hurts.

But, Christopher and I are both fine, minus a few cuts on our hands.

I still can’t get over the fact that Christopher and I saved some guy's life. It’s quite extraordinary. I guess we really are hero's. Thank goodness for us being in the right spot at the right time…

I’m so proud of you, Christopher. Thank you. You’re so special to me. I can't say that enough.

All Assignments Are Complete!

The work is finished! Everything is handed in. my last class is tomorrow from 11:45am until 2:30 and then I will be completely done this semester. I’m relieved that I managed to pull everything off in time. I had a few bumps along the way but with Christopher’s help, I was able to complete all of my assigned work, on time. I’m amazed at what I got done. This is superb.

But one very important lesson was learned – never, and I mean ever, procrastinate.

Leaving things until the last possible moment will not get you far in life. It causes unneeded stress and work does in fact pile up. So, do the work as it’s assigned that way, everything is finished in advance and nothing is left to the last minute.

We’ll see if I can put that statement into practice next semester. I’m sure I will in the beginning and towards the end slack off like I did this semester. Damn it.

I’ll try harder though.

I was hoping to have something special planned for tomorrow, something relaxing but since Christopher has been out of town since Sunday, I never got to run anything by him. I suppose seeing him will be relaxing enough. Thank goodness he is back tomorrow, I'm beginning to go crazy without him.

I am one hell of a lucky girl.

*smiles*

My awesomeness just doesn’t suffice

Here is an illness update.

I’ve been under so much stress lately. I’ve managed to procrastinate enough that I’ve more than fallen behind. I’m sure I’ve caught up on everything with Christopher’s help (if it wasn’t for him I would have fallen apart long ago) but my mood is still very low. I’m worried it’s the same as last year. I’m worried I won’t make it through the New Year. I know that sounds rather pessimistic but it’s true. Everything seems to be going in the same order as last year. At least I can acknowledge it now. I’ve been trying to force myself to eat in order to keep my energy levels up; it’s difficult. Christopher was making sure I drank Ensure but since he’s been out of town, I’ve eaten a steak at The Keg. I’ve taken sleeping medication a few nights to help me sleep better. I feel as if I can’t accomplish anything. I had hoped to begin working on my memoir again, but that has slipped from my grasp. I'm feeling quite worthless; with school, with my friends, in my relationship...

And to boot, this is my first Christmas by myself.

I’m happy because I have so much to be grateful for, and Christopher knows exactly how to cheer me up, but I'm sad all in one.

I'm terrified that as soon as class is over Thursday at 2:30 I am going to collapse... Last year, it was hard enough making it back to the hospital after my last exam, all the stress dropped and I fell apart, the crazy thing is, despite how I want school to be over, I'm scared of it being over because the structure keeps me going... hopefully this year will be a little easier.

I also have court on Tuesday. This may in fact be my last diversion before pre trial. Just perfect.

Two Days!

Almost done… two days and counting! Had my Comm 400 exam today, despite not reading one of the required plays, I believe I did okay! I have a few assignments I need to catch up on and then I’ll officially be done all of the work. It will be good to be rid of this stress. Next semester I really need to change some of my work habits. I can’t keep going on this path or I will never finish college. The hardest part is, trying to change patterns you’ve developed over your entire school career.

Tomorrow is the journalism dinner at Mandarin, not sure if I am going since I was lucky enough to attend the Air Magic Christmas dinner last night at The Keg. But, we’ll see.

Christopher won’t be back until Thursday afternoon now. I’m sad but I’m glad he is getting things done in London. That’s important. It’s hard being without him, especially since he hates talking on the phone and it’s almost impossible to get a hold of him. It makes me feel forgotten about; very sad.

My cousin Amanda had her baby (Shay) last night. Congratulations on your special bundle of joy, sweetie!

Today is my brother's Birthday, Happy Birthday Mike!

Blogging has been rather difficult to do lately. Between school and being out with Christopher, I just don’t have the time to sit down and blog. That’ll change very soon though as I’m on my last week of my third semester. As of Thursday afternoon at 2:30, I’ll officially be done school for the holidays, with no stress caused by school! I’m excited!

It was Christopher’s and my anniversary on Saturday. It was special. We met at Bonjour Brioche on Queen Street for brunch and then took Kelevra for a walk in a nearby park. It was lovely but cold but cute because Christopher traded me jackets so I could keep warm in his (sheep skin – I think) jacket. Afterwards I got to meet his parents. I was nervous but they seem like great people; it’s just hard for me because I am not a family person… despite wanting to be. ;)

We went to our special Starbucks (where we went on our first date) and then slept at my place and just before falling asleep, I told him I loved him for the first time… it was incredible.

I am so in love.

We're heading to Maryland next week on a road trip Christopher has dubbed, "The Blair Van Project." I'm super excited. I'll post more about that later since we still haven't planned anything major yet. But, we're definitely going to Burkittsville!

Back to work I go… (trying to stay busy so the day goes by faster so I can see Christopher tomorrow, he’s back in London until Agility, but I have Kelevra at my place, YAY!).

Road Trip - Troy Michigan

I had planned to post long ago but I’ve been fairly preoccupied. I’m currently at UWO. I’m sure sometime this morning we’ll pack up and head home… but as of right now, I’m on campus at Western.

Saturday was special. Christopher and I took our very first road trip (I’m not counting coming to London because he dropped me off in Kitchener and made me take a bus because he was late for his all-boy’s poker night in Woodstock). We went to Troy, Michigan to buy Christopher’s ober fancy laptop that is only available in the US. After dropping a ton of money, we went to Target and I bought some nice shirts for super cheap! Christopher bought a beautiful velvet black suit jacket that I believe will look fantastic with anything, even jeans… and makes me want to jump him hehehe. You should have seen the look on Christopher’s face as he ate a pot roast sandwich from Bob Evans – just seeing his smirky smile made me melt… but then after having a few bites of his food, I melted all the more. Trust me, go to Bob Evans… I’m sure soon enough I can convince Christopher into going back to the US just to get Bob Evans. ;) The only thing is, I forgot to bring my camera (stupid me) so we have an undocumented first adventure together.

Sunday was also special. Christopher took me to the shooting range. I can’t believe how much fun someone can have shooting a gun! At first I was nervous. It wasn’t the act of actually firing a gun; it was more the sense like I was doing something wrong. But after my first couple shots, I got the hang of it and was eventually shooting ten rounds a pop (that is what the magazine held). My target looks awesome. I’m thinking about framing it. I used a 9mm Heckler & Koch P7M13 handgun. Pretty snazzy! And I DID bring my camera to this event so photos are up on facebook.