Moi

My intention for my blog is to put myself out there, so, you’ll most likely be reading a lot of deeply personal, emotional and sometimes even captivating things about me, so I wanted to spend a few moments getting some things out in the open about myself and my life.

I love communicating. Not particularly via telephone (unless you’re special), not via messenger, not even face-to-face, but rather through writing, blogging and images.
I’m shy in person; at times I rarely say anything worthwhile in person but despite my efforts to keep to myself, I have rather rapid, intense thoughts, opinions and feelings on an array of topics. And I guess because of my introversion, I use my art as my escape route.

That said:

Presently, I am in my fourth semester of Journalism school; focusing primarily on the print/online/photo streams. Regardless of my shyness, I find myself able to break the barrier (most of the time) and come up with some pretty noteworthy pieces of work. At times I am frustrated with my post secondary institution, my professors and my workload, but overall the journalism diploma program has helped me developed my article writing skills, become more career motivated and has inspired me to pursue a university degree and continue my studies in the upcoming future.

I live in a two bedroom third floor apartment with a roommate in the west end of Toronto; unfortunately not close enough to school as it takes me an hour by transit to get there every day. My neighborhood and apartment isn’t spectacular but at least it’s mine.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar in November of 2006. I can honestly say my life has been a struggle but only recently has everything sort of worked itself out. I’m now a mental health advocate as well as a human rights activist.

Here are a few random facts about me:

I have an incredible boyfriend who I am head over heels in love with. I have four amazing best friends that I would do anything for. I’ve lived in five cities across Ontario but have only loved two of them. I love to travel and hope to land on every continent one day. I love chocolate, especially when peanut butter is involved in the mixture. I love photography and skydiving but haven’t been fortunate enough to be able to unite the two of them yet. I’d consider myself to be fairly adventurous; perhaps almost fearless with very few limits. I love tattoos and piercings but recently made the decision to take out my facial piercings; I’m still not 100% sure why I made that decision. I have four tattoos and want to get plenty more. I love taking spontaneous road trips, and conveniently enough, so does my boyfriend.

I have plenty of ambitions; some realistic, some not. I think my illness makes it very difficult to decide on one career path as I get bored rather quickly. I want to be a writer and photographer. I have been working on my memoir for awhile now but have ran into writer’s block. I eventually want to become a doctor and teach (thinking of communications). I want to own a coffee shop and possibly a hotel. I used to want to go into criminology and I suppose I still do but writing seems more important to me.

Style is important to me yet half the time I lack the energy to care, usually going out without makeup in jeans, a hoodie and boots. I recently put on 50lbs from medication I was taking so I stopped that rather immediately but losing it proves rather difficult. It has me very emotional about my body.

I am a Toronto Maple Leaf’s fan and Green Bay Packers fan. I love music and occasionally like to sing, more so in the shower than anywhere else. I love Starbucks; one per cent no whip hot chocolate to be exact. I also love Tim Hortons; French vanilla cappuccinos rock my socks. I tend to make lists a lot as it helps me focus better. I love school. I enjoy taking photographs and am still debating whether I prefer black and white or colour. I aspire to be better to myself, take better care of myself and to devote more time to my writing and photography.

I still struggle and I am sure if you read my blog on a regular basis you’ll witness through my words those struggles, whether they are severe or mild. But hopefully, you’ll see my transition along the way.

Enjoy.

I'm so Lucky

I can’t begin to describe how things are right now. This is personal.

Last night was dreadful but incredible at the same time. I had a breakdown. I haven’t had one like that for months but for some reason, things took a turn for the worse. I reached out to Christopher who was sleeping at the time, I felt horrible for waking him up knowing he had only slept a couple hours the night before but it was either that or put myself at risk by leaving his house alone at midnight. I sat in the kitchen contemplating leaving but knowing we had a discussion about leaving unannounced earlier on in the day, the last thing I wanted to do was have Christopher wake up in the middle of the night to a note on my side of the bed… I knew the alarm wasn’t set so all I could think about was getting out of there. When things are bad, I have a tendency of leaving; running away from people who could try to help. It isn’t the fact I don’t want their help, it’s more the fear that has produced itself over months of running.

I don’t want to go into great detail about it. It’s a difficult topic to discuss. My illness is something that I am still myself learning to deal with. Because I am off medication, it can be a little harder trying to adjust to mood cycles but up until last night I believed I was managing well.

I didn’t want to let on how bad I was actually feeling. The reason why I woke Christopher was to get his permission to go out but instead I broke down. I’m glad I did. He set the alarm on the house so he’d know if I left and the police would come… that is the worst possible thing I could hear. I am scared of police… and rightfully so. Toronto police are aggressive and don’t care about anyone but themselves. I guess overall it didn’t stop me from wanting to leave though because I knew I could run before they got there. I didn’t want to do that to Christopher but when things are bad it is difficult to control yourself. It’s very complicated and perhaps I am not explaining things accurately.

Christopher kept me in bed right next to him the whole night. I’m not sure how much he slept… I managed to fall asleep after taking Benadryl early in the morning and when I woke up, things were so much better.

To think I could have done something so absolutely dreadful is beyond me… it scares me. I’m thinking about going back on Ativan but knowing my serious addiction on the stuff last year… I am not sure if it is a good idea. At least it works on settling me down though.

I feel like I can’t apologize enough to Christopher.

What made it incredible is how he handled the situation, handled me… kept me safe and set boundaries and barriers that helped like never before. I realized something about myself, and something about my relationship that I believe Christopher saw as well; I know I will get to that point of surrender, I already feel it.

Pre Trial = Soon

Court is really beginning to stress me out. My diversion will be complete in a couple of months and talks about pre trial are emerging. To be honest, although pre trial sounds fairly easy to comprehend, I feel as if I am clueless about the whole thing. I’m guessing it is the lack of communication from both sides, the Crown as well as my lawyer. I’ll blame myself for half of that; I haven’t put any real effort into contacting my lawyer… I just never seem to find the time to do it, and when I do, I’d rather not. It’s as if I have a little switch that I turn off when court is over.

But now things are revving up. I am terrified of going back to jail and by the looks of things, if this gets moved out of mental health court; I could possibly be facing jail time. I am still in shock that my case is being tried; it just goes to show that the Canadian criminal justice system is looking for convictions as opposed to justice. Justice in this case = freedom. I want them to prove the intent… because there was no intent, it was an unfortunate accident that occurred when I was hitting rock bottom…

But now... I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. Things are slowly drifting downwards. My mood is staying leveled… for now but it’s slipping. Things are getting difficult. School is harder, I am feeling more pressured. I just want to fucking escape… from here… from this city… from everything. Get away to somewhere beautiful, with someone beautiful, and not have to think about any of this nonsense. But I am scared and worried. I don’t want to talk to anyone about this. I have a serious problem with ignoring myself, when things go wrong instead of speaking about my feelings, I refuse to speak. That is my secret… I hide.

I fear things will go back to the way they were last year. It is different now; I have Christopher who appears to care more than I do about myself but the thing is, I don’t even know how to open up to him.

I feel extremely lost right now. Almost hurt even. I just want this to be over… I want someone to understand the situation or at least understand me...

The one thing that is keeping me from breaking down right now (which is what I've been on edge with all day) is being here with Christopher. Today he said we fit really well together... that made me smile.

~Thanks for coming to court with me today, Christopher... you have absolutely no idea how special that made me feel. I'm so glad you were there. Thank you so much.~

Busy Girl - Again

Wow things have been hectic. This is my least favourite part of the year. School is wrapping up and the workload is incredibly tiresome; or perhaps it is because of my procrastination that leads to my stress. All I know is, I am under the gun… and it isn’t fun.

Christopher is back in town. Kelevra’s agility class seemed to go well but was rather rushed… that could have been because I was 16 minutes late and then kept getting calls from classmates throughout. I barely had time to even watch what was happening. I must admit, I forgot what the homework was we had to practice this week. It’ll come to me…

I’ve been at Christopher’s house since Tuesday. I love it here. I love being here with him. I am one very happy girl. We had a little bit of an argument and setback on the weekend but things seemed to have settle down, especially Tuesday night after agility… let’s just say we had plenty of fun teehee *wink*.

The weather is awful today! Christopher wasn’t going to drive me into class this morning but eventually ended up doing it anyway. I didn’t blame him for not wanting to. The highways were insane (and probably still are) but we made it just in time for the end of my Magazine class to hand in my final article.

I’ve begun reading Marilyn Manson’s book, the long hard road out of hell, with Neil Strauss. I’m only on chapter two but I can already tell that it is amazing. Now hopefully I will be able to find enough time to finish it… the book isn’t mine so I can’t spend two months reading it like I normally would with a novel. I guess it doesn’t help that I am a leisurely, slow reader.

I have become aware that I am by far the worst scrabble player on the face of the earth. Damn facebook scrabble. Christopher is kicking my ass… and not just on scrabble either. He’s been great… helping me with school, making sure I actually do my work, etc. We even found time to watch a movie (despite Christopher doing a million other things while it was on). Check out the movie, Momento. It’s quite unbelievable.

I am meeting Christopher at Union Station tonight at 9. Good. I miss him already.

Amazing

I’m back in Toronto. I had such a fantastic weekend. I love Western; I loved spending so much time with Christopher. I hated being sick but it was super amazing having Christopher take care of me; no one has ever really cared enough to take care of me the way he did. He took me to the hospital, brought me to get medication, when we went outside he made sure my coat was done up all the way and I was either wearing a hat or my hood. I guess it’s sad but I’m definitely not used to having someone care for me like that.

I sort of had a melt down on Saturday, I guess from being sick and being tired plus feeling like I kept upsetting Christopher, I just needed to relax a bit. To cheer me up, Chris walked me around Ivey and showed me all of the places that meant a lot to him. It was special because I knew how much it meant to him. The second I walked into the Ivey atrium, I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was beautiful, and made me wish I was able to do something as incredible as he is. I am so proud.

But now I’m home, and Christopher won’t be back until Tuesday. I am going to try and get some work done but knowing how much I procrastinate, that might not happen.

UWO Revelation

I’m in London with Christopher on the UWO campus. It’s absolutely amazing. The campus is incredibly beautiful. I hope I’ll get to see more of it before I leave, or at least when I come back (hopefully soon depending on Christopher’s schedule).

Despite being sick, (Chris took me to the hospital last night and I found out that I have strep throat) I’ve really been enjoying my time here. I’ve never really spent much time on a university campus before so this opportunity has been rather significant for me.

Being around Christopher, and seeing how absolutely brilliant he is, and how fitting the PhD program is for him, it has me wondering about my own education; why on earth am I studying at Humber College? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to smack talk a college education, or a polytechnic education, I’m just saying, for me… wanting to teach (and write) eventually, it is becoming harder and harder to justify my decision on pursuing journalism at a college level. I’ve realized that I am going to have to continue on with my studies post-college. That said, I’ve been researching university level journalism schools and trying to figure out what credits can be transferred. What I’ve discovered thus far is that I am not going to receive more than a year at a respectable university, which means at least another three years of post secondary on top of this program.

I love school and have no problem staying in it for awhile longer; I just hope I can finish sooner rather than later. Now, I am trying to figure out, what precisely I want to accomplish with my studies, do I, want to teach journalism? Do I want to study communications and eventually end up teaching that? Or do I want to change streams all together and begin a new path. I need help. This isn’t something I can judge by myself; that probably sounds odd since choosing a career path is one of the most independent things one must do for themselves, but, I just think, I could use a bit of guidance on this.

I love journalism, but I believe, to date, having been in journalism school for going on a year and a half, I have yet to learn anything that would benefit me greatly out in the workforce. I’ve dished out thousands of dollars for an education that I realized I am not getting much out of, and I just want to feel rewarded and content with my education. Don’t get me wrong, Humber journalism is a great program, it definitely keeps me busy but learning to write for the Toronto Sun has me a bit worried. In the past year I can honestly say that I have had to dumb my writing skills down considerably, resulting in the lowering of my efforts (because now, it is easy enough to not try yet still produce an article printable rather than try, just to have my editors and professors slosh my work). I’ve become lazy in a way because I feel confident enough to spend a few minutes on my work rather than think it through and I’ve gotten myself into a horrible habit.

I have an example. The other day, Christopher helped me with my first magazine article about locally grown food. I’m writing this article for a magazine called Wish, it is a Canadian girly magazine meant to baffle women who love all things feminine. Anyway, Christopher (the wonderful man he is) researches and finds me all this rather useful, concentrated information to help me along with my article. That night, he wanted to read something I had written for it, something good… to impress him. Well, being the disappointment I am due to my rather lazy work habits and also knowing my professors expectations of a “Sun-ish” grade article, I didn’t impress him. It took me 10 minutes (minus interviews because I have yet to conduct them) to write the article in which I later found out that it was too in depth and needs to be more subtle. So now, not only am I feeling rather awful because I didn’t impress Chris with my rather pitiable writing, I didn’t even get a good mark on the assignment because it was still over the top. How do I impress when I am constantly lowering my standards of writing? I hate it.

Now, sitting here, right now, in a UWO PhD office, alone with ample time to think, looking at all of the text books full of important information, I am regretting my decision to pursue journalism at Humber. Maybe I don’t regret it, maybe that is the wrong way to put it, but I don’t know how to fix this need to learn. I am so eager to be a student, to take in all of the knowledge I possibly can, and to be a part of something remarkable and brilliant. But it has me worried; am I good enough? Should I pursue a different educational path?

I spoke with my oldest brother, Doug, about looking into applying to university for a summer semester before finishing college. I’m wondering if I would be allowed to do such a thing in order to speed up the process, and be able to stay in school (summer is WAY too long to begin with). I would love it. Or, is it worth just saying fuck journalism at Humber and go on to newer and better things at a university. An undergraduate degree takes four years to complete, but with finishing up at Humber, it will still take me four years to complete my undergrad if I went after Humber and took the year free the university offers. I still want to pursue my Masters afterwards.

I really need help with this decision but I don’t know who to turn to.

Humber Et Cetera Website

My paper finally has an updated website. It's not half bad considering. I'm not sure how often they'll actually update, but it seems weekly. Feel free to check it out.

Et Cetera

I have two articles up right now under the News Section.

Agility class is fun!

Agility class went very well for Kelevra. He is definitely the star of his class (bias aside) there are three other dogs in his class and although they’re pretty smart, Kelevra is already ahead of the game. It was absolutely amazing to watch him training. Today I spent part of the afternoon watching Top Dogs so I could get more of a handle on the sport. I can’t wait to see Kelevra actually do the full course! I’ll be sure to take photos.

Christopher is in London. We had a bit of a setback last night. I guess it is my fault but that’s okay, we’re working through it. I want to make sure this isn’t going to fall back into the same patterns as I have had in previous relationships. This relationship is much more important to me. I hope he can see that.

I’m glad I have Kelevra until Christopher is back in town on Friday. I’m happy.

So, I am still incredibly sick. I think I am getting sicker. I have an in-class test tomorrow so I am obligated to go. I might go to the doctors afterwards depending on how long I am leaving Kelevra home alone for. It's getting to the point where I can't keep solids down, and liquids just seem to make it worse. Tea is okay, I think it's the sugar that doesn't help. My coughing is worsening as well. Unfortunately I might have to wait for the weekend to see the doctor. I don’t want to leave Kelevra home alone for long, I don’t want him to get scared and usually it takes forever at the doctors.

I want to be taken care of :( hehe.

Sore Throat

I have a sore throat. I sound horrible. I stopped at Shoppers Drug Mart and grabbed cough syrup after my Page Design test this morning. Hopefully it kicks in soon. I feel fine otherwise, but not having a voice is really starting to annoy me.
Christopher and I are taking Kelevra to his first agility class tonight. I’m so excited. I want to bring my camera but I don’t want people to think I am a dorky girl nor do I want to get in the way. Maybe I’ll just bring my Kodak in case. It’s not the same though!!

Christopher is going back to London tonight. I was suppose to have Kelevra until he got back but I am not sure what the plans are now because he might be staying in London a lot longer than anticipated. I sure hope not because I don’t want him to leave, and I want to take Kelevra! I hope it’s just the night and he comes back tomorrow. We’ll see.

I’m going to nap until Christopher calls me.

So tired.

I managed to get a hold of Christopher yesterday after skydiving. He came back to Toronto for a few days so last night he spent the night… it was our first night together. He went back to his parents place tonight. I didn’t want him to leave but I guess I need to go to bed early for school in the morning anyway.

Today was special… Things happened. Christopher and I went on a brunch date; the really sad thing is, I am not used to going on actual dates… actually to be honest, I’ve only been on a handful in my entire life. There is so much I want to say about that but I am much too tired. By the way, if you hadn’t guessed, I am the stereotypical female… I love gentlemen, I love receiving flowers and being shown affection…

Sorry, I am just physically and emotionally exhausted right now. My body is sore from skydiving and my ankle hurts even more since I’m an idiot and spent way too long kneeling on it last night, and now I have a million things on my mind.

I’ll try to update more tomorrow.

I'm a little skydiver!

I just got back from skydiving.

I’m exhausted. I went to bed at 4am and had to be up at 6:30am for skydiving.

My jump went well; I was the first jumper of the day again, jumped with a few first-jumpers. It was fun seeing how scared they were, little do they know the fear was building up inside of me as well. There are a few things that suck about being the first jumper out of the plane. When the door opens, you’re kneeling right there, with ample opportunity to look down (which you will automatically do) and psych yourself out. The first blast of wind is by far the scariest. Also, by going first, you don’t have a chance to watch anyone else go first (some say this is a GOOD thing being how scared everyone is). Overall, jumping is becoming easier now that I have done it a few times. Again, I failed my jump and have to redo another static line. My problem is, when I jump (you have your left foot on the little step of the plane, your left hand on the strut of the plane and your right foot wedged between the door while still hanging onto the doorframe with your right hand) I don’t actually jump outwards, I more just fall back. Falling back is fun, adds excitement because it jerks you around, but because I don’t reach out (the goal is to jump far enough out as if you’re reaching for the wing of the plane yet still arching) I keep failing. Time to crack down because I need to get to free fall.

Despite my radios not working, having to fumble with them and try to figure them out while still targeting the drop zone... I think I did alright! Damn arch000 crap.

The day is beautiful, although it was absolutely freezing in the air. I lost my gloves so unfortunately my hands were icicles by the time I was on the ground. The view over Cookstown (Barrie) is just breath-taking. Barrie received plenty of snow over the past few days so flying over fields of snow was beautiful. I wish I could have a camera up there.

I slipped in mud and hurt my ankle. Not while skydiving. Ironic.

I was going to stay and do a few more jumps but I am tired and was secretly hoping Christopher would let me come visit him in London; sad thing is, I can’t get a hold of him. Oh well. I fucked myself out of a more enjoyable day.

Skydiving next weekend!!

76) You do things even if they scare you

I am going through a pretty serious emotional transition right now. In a way, I am glad it is happening right now but I just want to get it over with. I’ve had to do a lot of things in the past couple of weeks that have been extremely terrifying. I’ve opened up to a few people about things that I have pushed so far back that I never knew I could pull them out again. I’ve used plenty of mechanisms to cover up my true feelings because I never believed I mattered. Now, although I can still say I am not fully there, I am more dedicated to opening up. I have confessed a lot of important items however, I don’t expect anything, if I have learned one thing in life thus far, it is not to expect anything from anyone. I am scared of putting myself out there because I have been hurt in the past, but in a way, now, it is amazing to let go, and feel free. I want to unlock that part of me that insists she needs to be shy in order to protect herself. I want to escape from my thoughts of abandonment and be able to push forward as a new, happier, freer girl. And I think, that with the support from my family, my friends, and hopefully now, Christopher, I’ll be able to do just that.

Last night, I was able to concur something within myself, something that I was able to share with someone special. And now, although yes it is scary, I am ready to do whatever life throws my way.

I’m not fighting anymore. Here I am, this is me, putting myself completely out there.

Kelevra and me = fun!!!

I am so happy right now. Christopher stopped by to bring Kelevra (his absolutely spectacular Golden Doodle) over so I can puppy sit while he was at a meeting.

I was right… I do have feelings for him. Just seeing him was evidence enough.

Christopher will be back very shortly, I just got back from taking Kelevra for a walk; it is raining, we’re both wet. I was hoping to take him on a fantastic walk through black creek in behind my building... I'm sure there will be a next time!

Can’t type, Kelevra has his head in my lap and I need to go give him love. Bye!!


This is by far the funniest photo of me. ;)

Tonight... is the night...

Uh oh. Today is the big day. Christopher and I, face to face… spending time together. I am nervous, but hell, if I jumped out of a perfectly good Cessna 182, I can do just about anything. We’ve obviously developed some sort of feelings for each other over the past little while, but tonight will confirm if we’re going to go anywhere with it. Normally, I am not worried about meeting new people, actually I enjoy meeting new people – I’ve traveled to another continent to meet new people. But this time it is different. He is different. I already know I care about him. I care about his impressions of me. I care about what he thinks, how he feels… it is confusing but despite perfection not existing, I want to be pretty damn close; at least for him. He mentioned being worried about a spark between us, now that I am thinking about it more; I hope he has the same feelings for me that I have toward him. Initially I’ll be shy and depending how it goes, I will either open up and things will go great, or things will be awful and it will end quickly.

If today’s horoscope on Facebook has anything to do with it; things are looking rather positive.

“Sarah,
A lover or child becomes a focal point in your life. Today, you are faced with endless possibilities for new beginnings. This may be the chance you have been waiting for to uproot yourself and start over. You are the center of attention and that is exactly where you want to be.”

I sure hope so.

Wish me luck.

I can’t hear you over my awesomeness!

Life. It is truly amazing. And to think, if I had done what I was planning in the summer, all of this would have passed me by.

School is great, even though to be perfectly honest I have really slacked when it comes to the paper, I haven’t been published in three weeks but at least the paper coming out Thursday has two articles of mine in it. Now, they better publish my photos or I will be mad. For someone who loves photography as much as I do, I sure don’t seem to have any of my photos published. The photo editor steals my ideas (seriously) and goes out and takes his own for his portfolio. It’s funny how they actually get away with that. Check out the link to the Et Cetera actually. That photo accompanies my story, I shot that exact photo in that exact location, funny, it doesn’t have my name on it. Anyway, enough of a rant.

I’ve skydived. It is the most intense feeling. I never want to give it up. The thrill of jumping out of a plane travelling at speeds of greater than 80 miles per hour is simply exhilarating. Now, although my logbook states I have good exits, jumping out of a plane is NO easy task. With the wind pushing you back into the plane, you’re trying to move one limb at a time out of the plane all at the same time as waiting for your instructor to say “Go!” if you’re ever driving down the expressway and you stick your hand out the window… that is a good example of how it feels, just with your whole body. The jumping itself part is amazing. My first jump I didn’t remember much of actually jumping. It’s as if your mind has a switch and instead of staying on, your mind reboots, apparently people say that happens in extreme shock; it makes perfect sense. So, I remember gripping the strut, and I remember thinking to myself, “fuck it” but after that point all I remember is kicking out line twists. And then of course, the journey back to the drop zone. Seriously, if you have never contemplated skydiving, you really should. Yes it is an extreme sport, but, it is life altering. I’ll take you… and once your training is complete, I’ll be sure to put myself on your load so I can show you how it’s done (yes I am smack talking like a pro) ;)

I am completely off medication and doing relatively well. My treatment is non existent now but everything seems great. And I can only see it get better from here on out.

I’ve met someone. See previous few posts. Christopher. Hopefully it works out as we hope it will because he is truly amazing. This is a guy, who although is much more experienced than I am, who is, not only adventurous, but is intelligent, witty and creative. If you think I live an amusing life, you should see some of the things he has done! And the perfect thing about it, I want to do all of those things as well, so yes I am less experienced, but, Christopher will be the perfect companion to teach me to enjoy all that life has to offer. And maybe I can teach him a thing or two as well! And, he has the coolest van ever, wins points in my book! Maybe I can convince him (begs) into taking a road trip with me sometime… teehee. And! He is working on getting his doctorate right now, so although this is super new between us, I am already so proud of him!

Right now, I feel like I am on top of the world.

Mode of expression?

I am sad.

I've been waiting all day to talk to Christopher, but he has probably been busy.

I'm going to have to kick myself in the butt because this crazy school girl crush is going to drive me insane.

I filled out a survey on facebook earlier and it asked me my relationship status; hmm, that is what I need to spend the next little while figuring out.

I wish I was two hours from here...

News

So I have good news, bad news, random news…

Good news first: I saw my doctor for the first time in months today and despite him not even knowing I stopped medication completely until today, he still agreed he would help me get my driver’s license back. My license was suspended back in May because an ER doctor at St. Joseph’s Health Centre decided he would fuck with my head, and he did more than just take away my license. I don’t have a car so really it isn’t a big deal, but eventually I need to have it for my internship so getting it back now is crucial.
But, he put me back on meds. Not a lot, just to help me sleep. My insomnia has me taking over the counter sleep aid’s almost daily which is extremely bad for you. He insists taking Seroquel (the awful drug that made me gain all this disgusting weight) will help me sleep. Great. I’m not going to take it.

Bad news: A friend of mine in my program at school, Sean, and I had a bit of a disagreement last week over our grades in our Communications class. I said, I believed I deserved a better mark in the class than he did, while saying he deserved a better mark in every other class. Well, he apparently now hates me because of it. The sad thing about it is, we used to be incredible friends but that has me thinking… if he refuses to speak to me (that isn’t over exaggerating either, he seriously ignores me completely) because I said a comment that honestly was NOT meant to be offensive by no means, how close of friends were we? I wouldn’t let something stupid like that ruin an amazing friendship. So it really has me down because not only is going to class awkward, I feel as if I should apologize (I have done so numerous times) but he won’t even look me in the eye.

I am missing someone…

In a way, I think I've found him...

There is something that is happening. It's so surreal to me. I feel as it is a dream and I'm going to wake up.

I met someone. Yeah I know, you're probably thinking, wow sarah who cares, but seriously, I met someone that makes me feel real, who brightens my day when I think about him, who makes an effort to actually communicate with me and appears to like me for who I really am.

Yesterday was sort of magical. Things went from bad to good in a matter of hours and throughout the evening I saw my whole life change. I wish I could explain it better. I wish I could share exactly how I felt, how I still feel, how I can see myself always feeling with him but really, I think I want to leave that for him and I.

It's just amazing.

Christopher (a very, suiting, noble name) spent a very long time listing "a few" (100 to be exact) things he likes about me. Nobody has ever done anything like that for me before; taking a huge amount of time and energy into making me smile just because.

The only ones I want to share are 99 and 100.

99) You want to be special to someone
100) I just might be falling for you

I believe they speak for themselves.

Babu, my beautiful Babu.

Things have been hard. I’m at school but don’t want to be here. I can feel my mood dropping significantly. A lot of things have been sneaking into my thoughts over the past week or so, I am scared as to where my life is going to go.

This is where it began last year, my downfall…

Babu passed away a year ago Saturday. Although skydiving helped my mood, this weekend has been extremely rough. Some people (mostly non pet owners) would have trouble understanding how much my cat meant to me. For eight years my life was dedicated to him, taking care of him, raising him, spoiling him… down to every detail. When I initially moved to Toronto I even rented a house rather than an apartment, despite not being able to afford it, just so he would have the room to lounge around, get the exercise he needed and also play in the yard.

I feel awful.

I miss him every second of every day and it hasn’t got easier. I’m sure it will. But, it hasn’t as of yet.

I do blame myself...

Life would be so different if he were still here.

Second Jump Complete

I am officially addicted. I woke up this morning with an itch to skydive. I woke my roommate up and conned him into driving me to the airfield. The sky was cloudy and cold but I knew the weather would hold up to allow me to get at least one jump in, and it did! I was also able to get Scott and Jason to come along so despite it being a quiet Sunday, I knew people there. My team members are great.

This jump was much different. My second jump. First jumper of the day. Me first! Eek. The plane ride was smooth, perfect almost, as soon as the door opened; I was sitting right in front looking down at the ground below me. “Yeah right” I thought. Took me an extra couple seconds to get in the whole, “fuck it” mode but once I did, the jump was fantastic. This time in my efforts to look up at the plane I managed to mess up my arch and ended up failing this section of my certification (not that bad though because it was extremely fun and can’t wait to do it over again). My parachute opened perfectly with no line twists. The ground operator was amazing and let me have a bit of fun. Left 360, Right 360. View was even more spectacular than Saturday’s jump; less fear I guess enabled me to look around a bit more. Landing was great as well, still didn’t land on my feet but I’ll get there eventually. Baby steps… or not, I am much too impatient for that.

I want to jump again! They are closed until Friday, damn it.

First Solo Jump Complete!

I finally did it! I completed my first solo skydive today and I am totally stoked to begin working on my certification!

It was absolutely nerve wracking… from start to finish.

I was on the fifth plane, with two guys I met last weekend, Joe and Chris. I was the second one from my plane to jump. My Jump Master’s name was Brat.

Gearing up was interesting because I really wasn’t anticipating the weight of the parachute, it seriously almost knocked me to the ground, and then practicing how to arch with it on was just priceless to watch and to actually do!

Once seated in the plane, everything became a reality. Take off was smooth, the weather was perfect with few winds. What scared the living daylights out of me was feeling the gust of wind rush into the plane once the door opened. Intense – that is the only word I can possibly use.

As I watched Joe hesitate at the door before jumping, I sort of thought he would back out, so as I turned my head to look out the window and saw him fly by, it was sort of shocking to say the least. By this point; I was petrified. Brat grabbed a hold of my hand, comforting me, telling me it will be fine. I probably had the look of fear in my eyes.

My turn.

“Get ready!” Brat yelled. Within a second my training came back to me and I followed orders, “Door! Left foot! Left hand!....” I couldn’t seem to get my right foot to the side of the doorway; it was as if it were a brick and I just couldn’t lift the weight of it… nerves probably. The wind was racing at my arm and foot stuck outside of the plane on the strut. Brat helped me place my foot. “Go!” he yelled as he slapped my butt. My thought at that exact moment: fuck it just jump.

Out I went.

Instead of doing the “arch000, 2000, 3000, 4000, 5000, check chute, is it there? Is it square?” routine, I screamed instead. I felt my parachute jerk open. I looked up trying to see if it was square. Line twists. I kicked like I never kicked before, the line twists came out quick. I grabbed my toggles and flared twice. Smooth ride. The view was spectacular.

For the next few minutes, the radio instructor on the ground helped me find the drop zone. Left 190 degrees, short right, there it was. I had ample time to dwell on what I had just done, “what on earth??” yes, it was intense.

As I came in for landing, my circuit was done without problems, the radio instructor called the wrong number a few times (and in training we were taught to ONLY listen to our numbers) so it got slightly confusing but I caught on pretty quick what I had to do. 10 feet to the ground, I flared hard… as my feet hit the ground I took a few running steps and decided if I didn’t do a butt slide, I would be running for quite a while to get my parachute down so I went down for it.

All I can say is wow. Intense but absolutely amazing. I am overly excited to do it again.

And in my snazzy new Canadian Sport Parachuting Association logbook, Brat wrote, "Great Job!! Good exit, work on arch and do another static line" sounds great to me.

Second jump... here I come!

This one is for you Babu, rest in peace sweetheart.

Skydiving Photos!!

Click on the link to see the rest of them.

A Mighty Heart

I know that I have probably mentioned this movie before but I just finished watching it again (on DVD) and as it did the first time, the emotionally compelling A Mighty Heart continues to touch me right down to the core.

As a new journalist, I am absolutely perplexed with the content of this film. With just under two years of Journalism school under my belt, and still plenty more to go, I can honestly say this true story inspires me even more so to develop my writing skills and share truth to the world.

Daniel Pearl’s kidnap and death was showcased all over the world and this movie allows us to see from a firsthand experience the horrifying murder that took place February 1, 2002 in Karachi, Pakistan.

What inspires me the most, of course not being the decapitation of Pearl – which is strikingly heartbreaking to say the least, but rather, is that of Pearl’s wife, Mariane. Through the whole ordeal she held her own, and afterwards, giving birth to her son, she wrote a memoir which then became the movie starring Angelina Jolie. As a journalist herself, Mariane appears to understand the need for honestly, the need to share that honesty with the world and despite her devastating loss, she remains dedicated.

I am truly motivated to achieve my goals as a writer.