Precious Jasemine

Yesterday was the most beautiful day. I was in the delivery room for Nicole’s C-section and was able to watch little baby Jasmine be born. You’d think watching a C-section would be awful but it really wasn’t. I guess it isn’t for people who can’t handle blood but it really gave me a different view of the world. It started with a sheet so both Nicole and I couldn’t see what was actually happening but over a little bit of time, Nicole unfortunately started vomiting and the sheet somehow fell down so I got to see it all. It was more than interesting!

I was the first one to hold Jasmine. At 7lbs, 14 ounces, she is so little and beautiful. Did she ever have lungs! She cried a lot until I picked her up, then she settled right down… and when Nicole came back into recovery she settled with Nicole for a little while until Nicole was too sleepy to hold her. I held her for a few hours and she cried off and on but overall she was amazing.

Besides being at the hospital at five in the morning, it was an incredible experience.

I took plenty of photos!

The Grandfather I Never Knew

So, I honestly don’t know why I am taking the time to write about this but it’s been on my mind all day. My grandfather passed away Thursday morning. Normally I guess you’d be sad to hear a family member died but I feel pity instead. It’s a hard topic to talk about because I’d never met him. This was my dad’s father who clearly never cared for my dad. From what I have heard over the years, my grandfather shit all over my family. When my two older brothers were little (before I was born) my parents made the decision to cut his family out of their lives because they treated my brothers insignificantly compared to my grandparents other grandchildren. I’m not upset he passed away. I’m not even sure why I am calling him my grandfather. All I know is that when I heard the news, I was shocked. I’ve always wanted to meet them. Me being an outgoing shameless person, I wanted to question them. I wanted to find out the truth, why he hated us, why he never cared to be around. I know those questions are meaningless but they are or I guess were, important to me.

Now, I just sit here… I miss my other grandfather. My Grandpa, he loved us, cared for us, and constantly showed us that we mattered to him. He was taken from our lives when I was in grade six and every day I miss him.

So, I hope my dad’s father can rest in peace, but in some weird way, I hope he realizes the mistakes he made and the how he hurt his family and regrets it.

Centre Island

I went to the Toronto Islands today. It was fantastic. I’ve never been, so it was amazing to have a little bit of a scenery change. I was hoping to rent a boat but by the time I arrived they were closing up. I think I could take some amazing photos over there once the weather cools off a bit. I took some shots today but nothing as adventurous as I would have liked. Also the beaches look incredible so I would love to go swimming. A nice picnic, some boating, swimming, photographs, and a relaxing day would be fun… maybe I will be able to do that soon.

Countdown 'till School Begins - 2 weeks!

I’ve been meaning to update for awhile. I’m becoming more and more excited for school. I’m scared for the course load due to this summer inactivity but I am sure after a few weeks I will settle into it just fine. Only two weeks left until I am sitting back in a classroom. It is odd how much I love school now that I am older; when I was a kid I hated school. I was always picked on, bugged and hated my teachers. I never did homework or any major assignments. I was a slacker in my own way. Now, although I would still admit to being a slacker, I love being in college and I am sure university will be equally as rewarding. I also love my classmates and cannot wait till my class party at my place on September 1^st.

I’m worried though. Last year everything went downhill after Babu passed away in November. I stopped attending classes; I failed a class, ended up in the hospital for two months; luckily one of those months was during Christmas break. And by the end of the year, I was burnt out. This year, I have court to deal with. I could end up with a criminal record that will destroy my career. Everything that I have ever worked for could be ruined in a blink of an eye and all I can really do is sit back and watch. For something that was an accident, the police must be loving this… take someone who clearly needed help and instead of trying to provide that help, tear her life apart so she can fall apart even more. So, despite my love for school, it could all be a waste.

I am definitely a pessimist which is where this attitude comes from, but I’m trying to stay hopeful. I debated dropping out of school but I can’t. I need school. I need something to hold onto. I long for some sort of structure. I just want things to work out for the best now. And I am old enough to try and get my life back on track. Hopefully I will meet someone who can help me settle down, be comfortable and enjoy life. I met someone; someone I would like to become a lot closer with but our schedules sort of conflict. I’m hoping for the best though. Wish me luck.

My Criminal Lawyer

I now have my own lawyer, actually a team of lawyers. I’m sort of concerned because I haven’t been given disclosure from the police about my case so we’re sort of limited to what we can do until after my next court date and until we receive the cops notes, etc. My lawyer seems to think things will be okay in the end although it may take awhile to get there. We’re going to aim for a full diversion but he assures me if for whatever reason it goes to trial we’ll shoot it down. We’re pretty positive I won’t be going back to jail; a relief that is! I love the fact that I have a chance to prove my innocence but with school just around the corner it would be easier to have less stress. I won’t know much else until September 19^th.

I fucking hate the people who drive around in cars with funny lights on their roof.

Court was disastrous today. I think I shot myself in the foot with what I said yesterday on my blog. So, to sum it all up, the Crown revoked my diversion on two of my charges (the more serious two obviously) so now I am doing a six month diversion on my weapons charges and the assault charges are awaiting trial after my diversion is up. The Crown insists the judge will be very lenient in my case but that doesn’t help me much. It’s hard to believe they have the power to change their minds after the fact. Because I don’t have a lawyer, I have been investigating all night. I guess I would still do research even if I had a lawyer. I went to Chapters and purchased the Canadian Criminal Code book ($30 – ouch) and looked up all of my offenses. Pretty much, by the looks of it, I am screwed in some way or another. The worst punishment seems to be a ten year sentence, but of course I wouldn’t get ten years. For some strange reason I am thinking 18 months. BUT, of course I don’t have a lawyer yet so I am probably overestimating a lot. Tomorrow Tara is taking me to the legal aid office to get some funding, although I am skeptical about legal aid lawyers because I wouldn’t want to work for $67 an hour when I could make well over $100. I need to get off of these charges. I’m actually debating other means; totally crazy. I’m in court again on September 19^th. Wish me luck!

Court = Waste of Time

So, I’ve been thinking. Tomorrow I have court, and afterwards I will have approximately 11 once a month sessions left. It has been on my mind for awhile. I know that coming out of this I won’t have a criminal record and things will all sort itself out, but come to think of it, I am wasting a huge chunk of time partaking in a program that cries out my guilt. I am not fucking guilty of any crime they said I committed. I haven’t even gone through one diversion yet and I know I don’t want to be a part of it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful for being given the chance to do diversion instead of going to trial. But now, I’d rather prove my innocence than shut up and let them tell me I am guilty. Yes, not only would going to trial be stressful, take a few years and have a risk of me going back to jail but I would be given an equal chance at showing my innocence. I admit what I did was wrong. I never meant for anyone to get hurt out of the deal, except for myself but that police officer took it to the extreme. There was absolutely no intent in what happened that night. Regardless of what the police say, it was an accident. If I was guilty, I would say so. Quite frankly I don’t care what people think about it, I just don’t want to trivialize the accident part; especially to myself.

If the cops could prove what I did was intentional and premeditated then I would walk myself to jail for three to five years.

Thoughts

Wow. I think giving Mal and Percy up was probably one of the hardest things I’ve done. I got back into the car and instantly started to cry. I’m still so worried. I hope they are adjusting well to their new home and their new family. Animals are so precious. I don’t understand how people can abandon such a sweet innocent little thing. But, they are now gone. So, I’ve cleaned my entire house so there is no more kitty smell. Time to move on… I just hope they’re okay… I miss them already.

Michael should be back on Tuesday. Hmm. I miss him (even though I shouldn’t) so it will be great to hear how his Scotland trip went.

Apparently I am having a journalism party at my place on September 1^st. I am definitely looking forward to that.

Court… Tuesday… joy. My first diversion. 1 of 12. Lucky me. Fucking waste of time.

I miss Celine.

Mal and Percy

I’ve had to make a very important decision today. The owner of the cats I am babysitting hasn’t gotten back to me in regards to anything that I’ve sent via email to her. She also never left me a phone number to reach her at. So I was left to face the fact she abonded these cats for me to take care of. Although they are extremely adorable, I just don’t have the time, energy or motivation to care for two such affectionate animals. I love cats, but to be quite honest, I am still not over the death of my own cat, Babu last November. These are very hard decisions because animals are so precious. I was going to keep them until Percy began pissing on my couches. I then had to rethink everything. What I figure is that the cats need more structure in their lives, and I can’t provide that here. As soon as school starts I will be gone for over 12 hours a day, and weekends will be cramped with homework. I just won’t have the time to care for these little cats. So… knowing how close these cats are to each other I didn’t want to have to separate them or send them to some cold, lonely humane society so I found a young family to take them. I figured a family would be best; these cats would be excellent with children plus a family can provide structure that I can’t. Tomorrow I am dropping them off at their new home in Mississauga. Cats are so smart; they look so sad… I know they know what is happening. They just eyed me as I srubbed their cat litter box clean. I will miss them so much… in a way, I don’t want them to go. But, I know they will be happier in a house that can give them the attention they deserve.

I’m sad.

It's Surreal

I fucking hate how I feel. I look back and see how things were after November. It really has been the hardest part of my life. Things sometimes get better; I’ll feel good and then it goes downhill. Everyone seems to love me when I feel fantastic, but as soon as that part of me goes away most people leave. Now, I feel as if I am standing at a fork in the road. I am honestly confused because I continue to plan out my life but it’s all surreal. Times like this I just wish it would stop.

Luvly Celine

I have done a thinking lately. I’m so glad Celine was here. We were able to talk a lot and I really needed it. We’ve finally rekindled a friendship that I believed was gone forever. It was hard because there was always someone standing in the way of our friendship. And now that person is gone, we’re able to be who we were before. I guess it affected us both so being able to talk freely really allowed me to open up my real feelings about the whole situation. I’m glad to have Celine back in my life; it’ll be awesome to meet her girlfriend. And I can’t wait to post some of the photos from the shoot we did; she’s an incredible model.

I’ve finally slept so I’m back to my regular self. Hmmm… is that good? Lol.

I am Tired

I haven’t slept in over twenty four hours. I am exhausted. I am stressed. The photos with Celine are turning out beautiful. I got my school schedule today. They are mostly all morning classes. I am really freaking out about that because my medication makes me sleep for hours and hours and I am definitely not a morning person so I have decided I am going to stop my medication now and try to get on a better sleep cycle for bright and early classes. I highly doubt it will work because I am insomniac without my meds but oh well. I am draining myself out more and more… it is hard. I told Tara about it, but she really can’t say anything to make it better. Fucking mood fluctuations. I am super pissed about them.

I Love My 'Puter

I finally have my computer back after five days in the shop. I’m so glad I spent the money on a service plan for my laptop because it would have cost me over $130 to fix. But, Geek Squad did it for free! Woohoo. Now my system is back up and running, super fast and very happy. Yay!

I got news that Celine is coming to visit me for three days, Tuesday. I’m incredibly excited because we’re going to do a photoshoot; probably more than one. She was here back in October for a fun but relaxed photoshoot. It was a little different back then because her girlfriend at the time limited a lot that we could shoot, so this time I’m pretty sure we’re going to have a lot more flexability in our shooting. I absolutely love photographing Celine, she has a very unique look that the camera loves catching. I can’t wait. Plus, it’ll be great to hang out.

Michael is in Scotland until the 14^th. I’m jealous. Hehehe. I want to sneak away to England but it probably won’t happen for awhile.

Under a month until school begins. Second year journalism. I’m going to try to apply myself more this year. I have to buckle down; no more hospitals keeping me away from school, no more fucking up, no more screwing around. My daddy bought me an amazing digital voice recorder which is a must in my area of study. I’m almost prepared. School supply shopping in a few weeks!!

As soon as Michael is back in town I am going to head to London to get my bracelet put back on, and to check out Shoenet for new boots.

Nothing else exciting enough to report.