I wasn't easy to be around

I’m really questioning all of the work I’ve put into getting better. Every night I take six little beige pills; they’re supposed to help everything; help me. They make me too hard to be around. These pills make me feel nothing. I’m not supposed to give up until the end. The thing is, I don’t know when the end will be. It’s sort of got me a little down. I want to focus on the future but I feel left behind.

I dreamt of what I did before. They were illuminated in my head. I felt so numb. I can hear the sirens. My eyes are closed but everyone is around me. I prayed for somebody to be there, to hold my hand, to help me through the pain. No one came. I remember crying into the pillow, surrounded by the white walls of the ICU. I thought I had died.

They didn’t understand then and nobody understands now.

Hmm... I know it will be better one day.

Shooting

I’m sort of in shock. I’m not scared just worried. There was a shooting in my neighborhood tonight, the cops have the area all blocked off. I went downstairs to find out what was going on but no one knows the extent of what happened. Apparently it was gang related (no surprise there) but it pisses me off because there are so many children in my apartment complex. I’m not one to interfere when it comes to gangs, I know they exist here, I see them dealing drugs in the park at night and have on occasion hung out with suspected members, but when it comes to shooting each other, I wish they could be more like mobsters and keep it hidden. I hate when children can see what they do to each other. There is pressure for the Canadian government to enforce tougher gun law, possibly a hand gun ban and hire more police officers, but what they don’t realize is that the pattern won’t stop unless they change how children are raised. Having community programs for street youth is a great idea but it starts much younger than early teens. I’d be surprised if they could change it. I’m waiting for the next 700 police officer raid in my area like the Jane and Finch raid last month.

Bored on a Saturday Night

I am home on a Saturday night. Wow – I officially suck. I was hoping to make it down to the Reverb (a club) tonight because they have an awesome presentation with flesh hooks but no one was eager to go. Oh well. I’m home alone. I tried watching Elizabeth Town but turned it off. I tried cleaning but left it till tomorrow. I am wishing my lovely was here but of course he is busy. Wow. I live one boring life.

I don't even have anything interesting to discuss.

That is my rant.

A Few Events

I had an appointment with Tara yesterday. We talked about what occurred while I was at Vanier over the long Canada Day weekend. It was hard to talk about but refreshing knowing I am no longer facing any jail time. She thinks it is a good first step to move on with my life. I would have to agree.

I am finally starting to feel fantastic again. I have been approved for OSAP (student loan) so I am officially going back to school for my second year of Journalism. I’m really hyped because I earned a spot on the news beat for the college paper. The college gave me a $500 bursary (I know it isn’t much but it’s $500 off my tuition which is excellent) and I am now thinking about applying for a student job at the college; if I have enough time out of the newsroom!

I’m now starting to write my memoir. It’s been a long time in the making. Many people think it is insane I am writing a memoir at 21 years old, but the number of events going into it, I am glad I am doing it now. Jail sort of finalized that. But, I am hoping my loved ones can support me on this endeavor.

I spoke with Michael last night. We are trying to figure out when he can put my bracelet back on but he told me he is off to Scotland again. It’s funny because I was thinking about escaping to England for a little while in August, but I don’t really want to go while it’s flooding. I told him I am finally moving on and he is being supportive. I’m glad we’re able to be friends.

I’m so excited for tomorrow. My daddy just called and said he is taking me out for lunch (I’m going to cross my fingers that won’t change, unfortunately with his job dates change unexpectedly). We don’t see each other much so every chance I get is great.

Anyway, I’m super energized to see Matt again. He’s adorable and makes me smile.

I watched you run around...

For many years I put myself on hold. I refused to listen to what others said about the situation. I had a love that felt stronger than anything. I was so foolish to think I could change everything. It broke my heart to realize the truth but now I am definitely stronger because of it. I was taken for granted and used in subtle ways. I was the tool used to cheat and to provide a hidden life of mischievous fun. Although I don’t regret it, it makes me happy to know I’m not that weak girl I used to be who relied on it. I can’t even describe the pain I felt when I watched what was going on. But, what goes around comes around, right? I remember all of those taunting words, and I was ready to surrender to them. It was all poison for someone else’s satisfaction. It was never fair, nor was it ever about me. I am glad I am not living that lie anymore. He’ll spend his nights alone and realize what he did to me. It’s sad to say but it’s a tale as old as time and I won’t be curing those nights when they eventually happen. I’m not that somebody anymore. And now, I can honestly say I am ready to move on with my life.
There is no more looking back.

Ramble, ramble.

Things are finally starting to calm down. Everything is changing in front of my eyes and I don’t really know where I stand anymore. I want to get a move on with my life. I’ve decided to go back to school; journalism really is something I want to be a part of. Hopefully I’ll be able to write more about the things I love; and maybe concentrate on the Middle East and South Asia. The thing is, I feel sort of lost. Maybe sort of empty, even. I think there is something I am missing and I just can’t put my finger on it. I love Toronto; I need to get out more. I want to see new things, escape in my writing and my photography. I went to Stratford to see King Lear last night and it made me miss theatre, Cambrian, Michael… maybe I should have finished my program at Cambrian. Maybe I should have stayed in London… damn, all of these what if’s, they can rip you apart. But a good thing did happen; I met a really nice guy today, we had coffee, and he made me feel better about things in some weird way. I’m really hoping I can buckle down and write. Wish me luck. Sorry for the ramble.

My Special Fairy

I went and got a new tattoo yesterday. I’ve wanted another one for a while now because for some strange reason they help close chapters in my life and I thought after court becoming settled, what a perfect time to get one. I decided on a fairy, primarily because they represent a spirit or supernatural being. Over the past year I have done a lot of praying, not that I necessarily believe in a “god” per say but I do believe something mystical helped me along. I think in part, I was the one helping myself for the first time in a very long time, so a human fairy was essential in representing that. But knowing there was no way I could have gotten to this point by myself, I added the wings to represent something else helping me through the difficult times. No matter how many of my friends left, what people thought of me, and how I began to hate myself because of my illness, there was something or someone else guiding me… Now, almost given a second (or third, or fourth, or fifth… god knows how many but this one actually stuck in my mind) chance at life, I want to change myself. So to close my previous chapter, here is my fairy.

Approved for Mental Health Diversion

I just got home from court. I am happy but sad all at once. I know for a fact I am not going to jail, no trial means no jail, so that worked out great. Because my offense was what you would consider, high-risk, I have been put on a double-the-length mental health diversion. Although I am okay with mental health diversion (show up to court once a month for six months then all charges are dropped) I think it is bullshit that I have to do a full year of it. I shouldn’t have been charged period, it was an unfortunate accident that was taken way out of hand. So, although my life is not ruined, I still don’t believe I should have to do diversion at all. But, I will participate willingly of course because I won’t risk going to jail. There are a few bonuses out of the deal though; I am in a treatment program at St. Michael’s hospital but was only accepted for three months so now that I am in diversion, I get to stay in my treatment program for the full year.

But that means one major thing, lesson learned = Cops can in fact RUIN your life, stay away from them.

In all of this, I have lost my protection so I am trying extra hard to keep myself safe. Keeping busy helps, school in September should be really beneficial (especially since I was given a $500 bursary yesterday) and taking full advantage of my treatment team can really lend a hand in keeping safe.

Rule number 1: No more trouble! (That means staying away from the home-boys in the park.)

I want to change

Wow I seem to be forgetting to update. I guess it doesn’t matter since I am sure no one actually reads this. I have been busy with my cats. They are adorable and seem to love affection. I’m paranoid about Tuesday – so I have been trying to keep my mind focused elsewhere. I’m hoping with the letter my psychiatrist wrote, and duty counsel on my side, things will work out for the better. Let’s just hope I get accepted for the mental health diversion program. I’m sure I will stress more Monday and Tuesday. I wish I could act out in rage; at least to myself. I can’t believe I allowed this to happen… I sort of hate myself right now, and no one seems to mind. I want to be better. I want this court bullshit to disappear and I want to get on with my life. I don’t even know if I can afford to go back to school. I am a huge disappointment. Michael should be home after a week long vacation tomorrow. I am going to try to convince him to let me come over so he can put my bracelet back on; fucking jail cut it off… it is a beautiful chain mail bracelet he made for my high school graduation present and it’s been on since… and I deserved it so I want it back. I want my old life back. It is shocking how quickly everything can change. I’m feeling awful, my stomach is in a constant knot and I just want to escape. I need support but all of my friends left. I really ruined it this time.

Two Adorable Cats - just not Babu...

I’m babysitting two cats until September. I’m sort of nervous about it with all the stuff going on in my life and all but I thought it would help. It has me missing Babu so incredibly much. He has been gone for 8 months and I miss him more as the time passes. These cats (Mal and Percy) were in a desperate need of a home because their owner had to move to a place where she couldn’t bring them. Apparently she is saving for first and last and by September she should have her own place to take them back. They are cute and adorable but definitely scared right now. I don’t blame them… I wouldn’t like going to a completely weird, new place with two strangers. But, I am hoping it works out fine. Maybe I over estimated my ability to care for them… I really hope not because they are too innocent for that. I pray it is all okay.

Court

Court this morning was incredibly stressful. My anxiety was high. My treatment program caseworker attended court with me and I couldn’t even speak I was so scared. I knew it was going to go well today, but the thought of going back to Vanier (jail) got the best of me. The Crown allowed me to apply for something called Mental Health Diversion; it means I attend court once a month for six months and then a year later my charges are dropped if nothing else happens. I spoke with my psychiatrist this afternoon and he wrote a letter to the court stating I should be eligible for the program due to my Bipolar. I won’t find out if I am accepted for that until at least next Tuesday. I appear in court Tuesday at 10am again and hopefully the Crown and judge will grant me that. If for whatever reason they don’t think I am suitable for the program I will then go to trail, which would not be a good thing. Instead of trail I would probably be advised to go directly into plea court; plea guilty (which I am not) for a lighter sentence. It is really hard to say at this point but I am still facing jail time so I am trying to stay under the radar for now. My psychiatrist increased my medication to 600mg of Seroquel. Hopefully that will help.

They Always End

I wish I didn’t know what love was. It hurts too much. I’ve been in love a few times – and it always seems to pan out to be a bad relationship. Maybe not in the beginning; actually usually the beginning is the absolute best and over time it fades. I’m not sure if it is I causing it, but it seems no matter how hard I try to keep the flame alive, it always dies out sooner or later. And I am the one left hurt.

I am hurt.

I wish I wasn’t.

It has been a very long time ending but I am sure it has ended now. And maybe I will have an opportunity to begin something new, but I am fearful of it. I want someone who will love me unconditionally, without anyone else getting in the way… but I know that is next to impossible.
Is it that wrong to want to be special to someone?

It's Getting to Me

I’ve been awake for over 36 hours. I can’t seem to fall asleep. I keep thinking about everything that is happening in my life. I came to some very sad realizations today; I am 21 years old and although I have been in love before, I honestly have absolutely no one in my life in that respect. I know that sounds sappy but the truth of the matter is, most of my friends who are my age have been with their partners for years, have children and are settling into their adult lives together. It makes me sad. I want so desperately to be happy but now with all of these issues with court; it could be years before I even smile truthfully again. I know I am young, but with all of my life experience I feel much older. I am just laying here. I want to forget everything. Jail is lingering in my mind, torturing my thoughts. I’m no one special to anyone. I’m already imprisoned by my illness, now I am facing being physically imprisoned. I am honestly terrified. I'm alone here.

Two Steps to Jail

I have truly plateau’d. This is an intensely sensitive and personal entry. I’m writing this for myself without the expectation anyone will read it. Please feel free to join me on this new unpredictable journey, but realize that this information (all factual with some details left out) is definitely something that I hold private to me.

I was arrested on Friday night under four criminal charges that brought me to jail Saturday – Tuesday. The arrest itself was a blur being I was under severe mental duress but I remember vividly having a police officer hold me down and another one beat me. I have huge bruises from the incident on my arms and legs that remind me of the horrific ordeal. The accident (yes ACCIDENT) happened during a routine check (roomie called 911 for my suicidal ideations) on my mental stability. I had a razor blade and accidentally cut open one of the officer’s fingers while dropping it to the ground.

I spoke to a duty counselor at 4:30 a.m. at the police station who assured me nothing serious would happen. Saturday I landed in bail court down at Old City Hall. I ended up having my bail hearing remanded and ended up going to Vanier Correctional Facility for women in Milton, Ont. I was placed under suicide watch immediately and kept in a private area (it felt like a coffin, cold, white concrete walls, metal toilet without toilet paper, and a metal slab without a mattress to sleep on) locked for two days. It was cold. I was definitely alone. And I prayed until I couldn’t pray anymore. I managed to call my parents who then got upset and yelled at me; yes another disappointment, I don’t blame them.

Monday morning I spoke to a doctor who sent me into gen pop. Arriving on F Block, Cell 10, Monday at 2:00 p.m. I was instantly introduced to the other girls on my rig. Every one of them asked me for drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes. Of course, the strip search in the beginning (including the removal of all of my piercings and my bracelet) and changed into a dark green tracksuit assured I didn’t have anything of the sort on my person. Not that I would do any of that shit anyway. I proceeded to hang around the common area waiting for the phones to free up. I called my parents but couldn’t reach my roommate because our house phone doesn’t accept collect calls. My parents were more worried than mad, and supported me more than I expected from them. I met a few decent girls and hung out with them until lock up at 7:30 p.m.

Tuesday I was woken at 5:00 a.m. and taken into a cell to wait for the wagon to bring us back into the Toronto courts; of course I was sent on wagon #2 missing my court appearance at 10:00 a.m. thus having to wait in the cell of Old City Hall until 3:30 p.m. when the court constables finally brought me up to court 102. I was taken to mental health court and was granted conditional bail at $500.00. Sticking with my outpatient treatment, the judge ordered me to see Dr. Langley within 7 days and provide a letter stating my attendance. He also insisted I stay compliant with all medication provided. I am not allowed to be in contact with any weapons, most importantly razor blades. I now have court at Tuesday at 10:00 a.m. and I have Tara from my treatment team bringing me to speak with my duty counsel to see what we can arrange for the charges rather than bring it to trial.

I definitely could face more jail time (apparently 3-5 years which is appalling but that's what they said), despite it being an accident. The police report was completely fabricated to make it seem intentional when it CLEARLY wasn’t.

I have a long road ahead.