Let Me Go

I’m not sure where I belong. My day has been a steady battle. I am struggling to come up with a solution. I am so exhausted. I keep thinking about what Ashley said to me. I should be over this. Oh well, fuck her, fuck that, fuck this. I can’t even cry about it anymore. I know I have some serious straightening out to do but moving on is really difficult. My right hand is bruised from attempting to escape. I want so badly to deal with this on my own but I think I might finally be accepting that it is impossible. I hate involving others because they generally get fed up and leave. I’m careful what I say but that is a dangerous game. Damn it. I just want out.

Tackled out of Nowhere

It’s a bunch of uncertainty. I want it to be easy. I long for it to be easy. I don’t know where my head is anymore. When I think I have things figured out something new happens to drag me back down. I spent last night handcuffed to a chair because I was a flight risk. Although I do tend to run away when the time is right, I wasn’t going anywhere last night. I’m so emotionally drained and not many people can understand that. I want to give up because that seems easier than trying so hard all of the time. I can’t make everyone happy. Hell, I can’t even make myself happy. Another hospital, another wasted night. I am tired but I can’t sleep.

A Night of Confusion

I was taken to the ER last night. It was quite a night. I wasn’t expecting it. I went out for a walk after speaking with Ashley. I live in a building complex with 7 apartment buildings (it’s odd because I seem to be the only little white girl in the entire area!) anyway; there is a park directly across the street that I was sitting at with a few guys from the area… I needed to clear my head. I went over there to plan something but instead I got caught up with guys shooting the basketball backboard. It’s funny how I live in an area with such a high illegal gun and drug rate yet I don’t even fear walking alone at 1am. While I was sitting there trying to have a conversation with a guy I met a couple days ago, trying to avoid dealing with the voices, I saw an ambulance pull up to my building and a cop car behind it. It would have been too hard to try and explain to the guys in the park so everyone took off running (I happened to follow suit, although I got busted pretty far down the street). I’ve been such a burden on my buddy Mike lately; worrying people seems to be my specialty! Apparently he called the police because he was concerned. I don’t blame him. It’s been difficult lately but I have been trying my best to stay out of hospital. So when the police finally caught up to me, a pile of them showed up. They were super worried so I agreed to go to St. Michael’s but I was discharged at 4:30am. Now, with no sleep, my sun burn killing me, and super hot, I finished my appointment with the STEPS team (that is my outpatient treatment program) and I think I am feeling slightly better. I won’t be speaking with my psychiatrist until July 10^th so medication will be a problem until then but I mentioned my concerns today. And you know what? I get to go to the movies with STEPS, they do group outings! Woot. Fun.

Sorry for being a disappointment, guys.

Ouch

I am totally sun burnt from the pride parade. My body is extremely sore from it and I am trying to sleep off the first little while of pain. The parade was fantastic. This was my first time watching it; having marched in it before this. My favourite float was the evil dead musical. Lots of fun!

I saw the movie, A Mighty Heart on Friday night, wow, intense. It really made me realize how much journalism means to me. Being a student in journalism school, it gave me a deeper appreciation on what true journalism can do to impact the world. I recommend the film to anyone who values journalism.

I was taken to the hospital the other night; they didn’t say much but give me enough medication to sleep a few hours before letting me go. Now I get to face the wrath of my outpatient team tomorrow. Joy.

My Parent's Bought a House!

My parent’s new house is absolutely adorable. It is much smaller than their old house so downsizing was a huge problem but they’re all settled in and doing well! Although it is sad to know I am officially moved out on my own (despite living out of their house for a few years already) it makes me happy to know they finally bought their own place. I spent a couple of nights with them to help unpack and organize. I am now home, getting ready to have an amazing time at Toronto Pride this weekend!!

Appointment

My psychiatrist appointment went well. He insists that I should stay on my medication untouched for two weeks. I guess that is okay. The sedating effect should settle over time and things should hopefully get better. In two weeks we will recap and see if I need an increase in meds or a change of medication altogether. My next appointment is with my nurse (the program I am in involves a variety of people, not just a doctor) to discuss physical symptoms and maybe seeing if I can start volunteering or something… hmm we’ll see how much energy I have by then. I also got horrible news today; I have put on weight from the medication and there is really nothing to do about it besides exercise and watch what I eat… I already try to do that!

Good Day

Today has been fantastic so far. I met up with someone I haven’t seen in forever for coffee… it was a shame I had pride plans or it would have been great to have spent the day with him. I was down at Nathan Philips Square for the Toronto Pride flag raising ceremony. This is one of my favourite times of the year – Pride is so much fun! Later I am probably going to hang out with Jeremy for a while. The day is absolutely beautiful so I would like to go down to the lakeshore or the beaches or something…

Tomorrow I have my psychiatrist appointment and then Jeremy is driving me to my parents, who are moving to their new house today! I’m excited to see my family and their house. It’s hard to believe I am officially moved out of their home. I’m glad they bought a house but it is sad to say goodbye to the house I lived in for so long. But, with me in Toronto and my oldest brother in Quebec, it is time they moved on to something more convenient for them.

Waiting for Michael - surprise? lol

I was waiting for Michael to call last night so I didn’t take my medication. I need to stop that bad habit pretty soon because taking my meds according to my plans won’t be very helpful. Michael and I were planning on me going to London today to hang out at the college before his layoff date tomorrow… but those plans fell through – sad! I’m sure we’ll find something to do over the next little while. I’d love to spend some more time in London this summer but he promised he would come see my apartment so Toronto is cool too! ;)

I’m angry. Ashley told me she’d call to check up on how my appointment went on Tuesday and she never did. I can’t stand it when people say they will do something but don’t!! I guess I should have known. And I was going to see if she wanted to come to Pride with me, argh! I don’t know why I do this to myself but I need to stop.

It continues...

Why do things have to be miserable all the time? How do I pull happiness from my insides? Depression is wretched and mania is awful… but my normal periods come so far in between. I want my passions back. I want to know who I am again. I want to be happy with someone. I feel like such a burden to everyone. I’m cynical.

Fuck... I am lost.

My appointment went well with the psychiatrist today. Last week they didn’t want to take me on as a patient because they insisted I wasn’t suitable for their program but now they say they will take me on. The doctor said I am not their typical case but because my illness is so intricate he wants to keep seeing me. At least I will have someone to see me over the next little while until I can figure things out. I guess that means I have to go back on medication. They also want me to go to group therapy about suicide prevention starting in September so I shall see about that.

Ashley called me last night… I’m still confused by that because she didn’t want to talk to me before and I really thought that was it. I wanted her to call, but I broke down afterward… it is such a complicated situation. I’m scared of being hurt again. I just don’t think I could take it.

I’m not sure where I stand anymore. I mean that generally. I guess I feel like I shouldn’t be around so what is the point in caring? I want help but fear it won’t do any good. I don’t even know if I am going to go back to school. My illness is slowly getting the best of me.

That being said… is anyone going to Toronto Pride on June 24^th? I was in the parade last year… and this year I am just going to be shooting photos but would love to attend with some people to make it a blast again… let me know.

Almost Better

I am finally starting to feel better. Damn Ativan poisoning my system. I still have a headache and a bit of a stomachache but I can finally walk straight, see straight and actually do stuff besides lay around in bed. I am sure within the next few days I will feel normal. Fucking doctor at St. Joe's hates me... that is okay.

Tomorrow is my follow up psychiatrist appointment; we’re supposed to discuss treatment options but I am not looking forward to it. I have a feeling he is going to tell me there isn’t much to offer. I haven’t taken my medication for over a week and now I am off of it I don’t want to get back on it. Who wants to take medication for the rest of their lives? I know I need it, and need to take it but it pisses me off.

I’m not sure what I am going to do yet.

Another overdose

I’m not sure where I am going in my life. I tried to end it again. It is almost at a point where it is so uncontrollable that I really can’t imagine myself being around almost the next minute. I’ve given up on a lot of things I have loved. My passions are slowly dying. I thought it would all get better and things would turn out to be just fine but on the contrary. I visited the hospital today and they told me to keep my appointment on Tuesday. All I thought was how I hope I can keep it. The massive amount of Ativan is still in my bloodstream making me sick for day three. I’m hoping the person of my dreams will come back into my life before things get worse but I know that would take a miracle. I worry everyone. I am caught in a web of madness. I need out, I need something, I need to run away.

Take it all away...

Mike left this morning. It’s definitely weird being here alone. I got used to someone’s company all the time, even though half of it I was sleeping because my medication makes me sleepy all the time. Wonderland was fantastic; the rides are incredible; the extra adrenaline was quite welcomed as well.

I got awful news today. I was rejected for outpatient treatment at St. Michael’s Hospital. They said the program wasn’t suited for me. So now, I am yet again, back at square one. But there is a difference now, this time I am too exhausted to keep trying. I know that is something that a few people have heard me say before but I really mean it. I can’t seem to find anything that is helpful in this city. And my only hope of going to another city is lost because I can’t do it alone. I am stuck and it doesn’t feel nice.

Goodbye "friends"...

I came to a conclusion that is really upsetting to me. I’ve decided to delete off my friends’ lists all of the people I once cared about who decided it was more important for them to abandon me during my difficult time rather than support me. I know that sounds stupid and probably even mundane but it really hurts. I know I have an illness that makes it hard to be around me sometimes, but what I can’t seem to understand is how (especially if you at one point claimed to love that person) anyone could abandon someone during a hard time. I love and admire each and every one of my friends and I would never leave them if they needed me, or even if they didn’t need me. I try my hardest to show my love and support and to not receive that back is hurtful. It saddens me to have to go to that extreme but I am tired of being used and taken for granted. I hit a low point that allowed people to use me in a way I didn’t realize until now. I don’t even know what to say… I’m just tired of it. I guess I am learning what real friends are.

Will I get better?

So I thought being home would be incredible but being reminded of what happened in my apartment only three weeks ago is a chilling disturbance. My brother is coming to visit tomorrow night until Wednesday and we’re going to Canada’s Wonderland both Monday and Tuesday. I’m hoping being occupied will help my feelings. I’m still adjusting to the Seroquel but I am scared it is causing suicidal ideations so I’ll make sure I discuss that at my first early psychosis appointment Wednesday afternoon. I’m not sure what to do, or if I should go back to the hospital. The last thing I want is to be back in the hospital so hopefully the next couple of days will get better. Michael told me to wait it out as best I can to see if the medication will kick in. I sure hope it does.

Only the best...

I wish I could be satisfied. No matter what, I never have a normal day. I am either up or down, hardly in between. Life is just like that for me; normal people bore me. It is a pity, really. Being depressed makes life so much harder to live because I tend to blame myself for literally everything and being too high makes me work so much more but then I think about how I never finish anything I begin and I work my ass off even more. There is always something wrong. I am adventurous, I push my limits, and I am open-minded. My doctors asked me if this was caused by a traumatic event but it isn’t so I am sure there is something chemically wrong inside of my head. I get frustrated really easily and that doesn’t make me an easy person to be around. I get lonely easily as well. I know I set my expectations in life extremely high; too high in fact but I can’t seem to change that. I am artistic and I strive off creativity. I want to be the best writer, the best singer and the best artist. I know that is far fetched but I try my hardest to accomplish those things. And as much as I try not to mention how I am feeling, I am openly honest with everyone around me. I just need to escape from myself for a little while.