HOME!

I guess it has been awhile since I have updated. I am now HOME! I love it. I have missed being here… after three weeks of being hospitalized, home is the place to be! I can’t say things are perfect, but they are slowly getting a bit better. I am on 500mg of Seroquel a night, and am now in an outpatient treatment program at St. Michael’s hospital. I think I am going to also start attending groups at the Mood Disorder of Ontario Toronto office. I’m excited to get on with my life now, hopefully no more hospitalizations anytime soon! I am sad to see that I have (yet again) lost a few friends because of my illness, but that is life, I am also happy to report that I gained a pile of new friends in the hospital and also via facebook! I will be able to update more often now, yay! Let’s get this summer started!!

I'm Star Dust!

I’m not sure anything is getting any better. My Ativan addiction is becoming more adamant and the voices are fairly constant. I have intense scientific conversations with other patients. I am sure something will change soon but it hasn’t yet. Ashley sort of jumped ship because I said I had nothing to live for; yet she is the one who said she isn’t ready for commitment. I am confused by it all. I don’t enjoy mind games; I have enough brain problems as it is. I shouldn’t feel horrible because of what I said, it was how I was feeling and I am entitled to feelings just as much as anyone else is. So the refusal of calls has begun and I am giving up. I don’t want to spend my only energy on contacting someone who clearly doesn’t want to talk to me. I cut myself last night. I thought I would get into trouble but I had to anyway… I needed the release from everything, including the voices. I hate cutting, it is pointless… it never works. I didn’t get into much trouble, the nurses moved me back into a private room today but the doctor was thinking more of a discharge instead. I might actually get out of here soon. We shall see what my primary doctors say tomorrow. Trying to run away, cutting, being extremely obnoxious…. Yup I can see discharge somewhere in there. Maybe my increased dose of Seroquel will work.
I have turned into a nuclear ball of fusion. ----- inside joke. Teehee.

Rejection at its Finest, folks!

Being in hospital is extremely tedious. I am sort of conflicted (well definitely am conflicted) because it feels as if I am being pulled in two separate directions. Part of me wants to start a new life; something beautiful, something stable… and then part of me just wants to take the easy way out and end it. I hear voices. Everyone knows that. The medication seems to be slowly working because I hear them with less intensity. I’m afraid they’ll never go away. And last night I realized by talking with a few other Bipolar’s here, there is some sort of twisted analogy with trains… for some reason or another we have all experienced a vision or voice involving trains. Definitely awkward.
So, I thought starting my new life would be a great way to enlighten my recovery stage. I have loved someone for a very long time and I thought she felt the same (although last night finding out the contrary) about me so I got very excited at the idea of beginning my new life with her. She even went as far as telling me she wants to move in with me this summer. What a perfect way to start healing! Being able to focus at least a little bit of energy into something positive is such a great thing. But I think I was too soon to react because last night she told me she couldn’t share a commitment (trust me I wasn’t asking for marriage just a steady relationship!) with me because she is going through her own emotional problems. I can definitely appreciate focusing on herself, but it really hurt. I was scared of being hurt, but I knew deep down it was too good to be true. It is hard to deal with because I really want to share my life with someone. I’m a fair bit older than her as well so I am guessing the idea of “settling” down is far fetched. I mean, I am still a student, I will be for awhile, I don’t want to get married yet, nor have kids yet, but I do want something long-term, something stable and something that will pick me up out of a dark spot in my life. Maybe I was just too selfish to ask her to commit to me like that… who knows? But anyway, I am back at square one…

Hospital - St. Mikes

Wow - again, it has been awhile since I've posted. I am still in hospital, this time a different one (yes again) but they seem to actually care!! Maybe I'll start to feel better soon, who knows? It's absolutely boring, but I do have access to the computer to keep up to date on info! Just wanted to let everyone know. I'll update again over the weekend.

I'm Sailing Away

I keep puttering around my apartment. The voices keep laughing saying the reason I am even home right now is because the staff doesn’t care. Well, the doctor doesn’t. He proved that to me the night I ran away on a Form 3 and ODed and he didn’t give a shit… not that I cared either, but isn’t it their job to care? My life is pretty meaningless. Besides watching garbage television and talking to the voices, I don’t do much of anything else. I would if I had the strength. I like to spy on my neighbors across the apartment way, they are always on their balconies being hardcore noisy fucks. The voices have a laugh at my voyeuristic nature. It is funny how alone I am considering I have all these voices and people keeping me company most of the day. Only now am I able to sleep because my body hasn’t gotten used to the 200mg of Seroquel I take around 10ish. The voices tell me I should explain how beautiful and mysterious I am. I’m not beautiful; I have piercings and tattoos that take away from the awfulness. I am definitely mysterious. But you will only know that once you’ve met me. I met this jarhead lady in China Town today; she speaks horrible English and was totally cringe-worthy gutter mouth trash. She was basically a ribcage with legs and massive yellow teeth. The voices said she wasn’t one of us, but who really knows? Who is “one of us” anyway?

Ativan - Lorazepam

I am addicted to Ativan.

I am sure many people can relate to that. I was once addicted to the drug but stopped for about four months. And until my most recent hospitalization (now), where they hand it out like candy, I am now addicted again. To me, it is candy. The real name for it is Lorazepam and is an effective, short action psychoactive drug. It is mainly used as an anti anxiety drug treatment to calm (and in larger doses) sedate people who suffer from anxiety disorders. Although I do have the occasional anxiety, I typically just take it because it makes me feel enlightened. It’s usually more congruous with other psychotic medications.

And now, I have absolutely no interest in impeding my addiction. Great.

Government.

I want a softer world. This one has too many ridges. I am not a belligerent person but put in some circumstances I can mirror what I see. I don’t think there is anything wrong with me. I want to be free of this emptiness. It is politics, you see. With the house passing a $646 billion defense budget and to think even one ounce of that could be beneficially used on our own healthcare system to better it, perfect it, and allow it to actually help rather than let people sit in hospitals waiting. This is a juxtaposition of our community. The voices are there, to me they are real, others hear them too, and they put me on this mission for a reason. The voices don’t deny the fact that the world is full of insanity. But let’s talk insanity… who is really insane? Our government has appalling priorities and the state of the Canadian mental health care system is virtually nonexistent, and you ask who is to blame?

Throw me away.

She is watching me. They all are but she is the only important one. She is standing far away but her breath is behind my right ear. I am going to end it. I need to complete what I have been sent here to do first. I am lost but I think I have help now. They locked me in a glass pod for days; days of thinking; days of wondering. I have gotten it. I have been sent here for a purpose, that is why my overdoses didn’t work. My new plan will work.

I don't appreciate it.

His murderous hands wrapped around my throat. I struggled, much like I am struggling right now. My eyes turned red. I felt the heat. I don’t know myself; I didn’t know myself. I don’t believe this is who I really am. They cover up everything. It is a conspiracy. Why? I’m on a mission. This mission will be the death of me. It is all politics, you see. There is no political apathy right now. We’re not safe. I can sit here and type to you from a hospital but I am not actually in a hospital. Being frightened is bad; I can’t share my goals or they will win.

Oh no...

I have business. I need to clarify something. They need me to spread their message while I am here. I know someone was out to kill me. I felt him hit me. They didn’t anticipate my strength. I am typing for her too. She knows exactly what I am saying. She is over my shoulders. I don’t hear women. These aren’t voices. I am destined for something better. I have a mission I need to accomplish. I need to get out of here before they beat me to it. I traveled to meet them, they brought their armor, and I wore a skirt with sandals. My eyes are opened. I can see everything. I know I am much higher than I seem. People are out to get me. Everyone is. They watch me with their charts. I see them. I’m slowly becoming invisible.

Hospitalized...

I am in hospital. It feels like a long road ahead. I took a major overdose leading to my medical treatment at Mount Sinai Hospital and then transferred to Centre for Addiction and Mental Health. I stayed in the emerg department for a few days and was transferred upstairs to the Acute Care Unit. Because I am a pro at escaping anywhere, I managed to sneak away without being seen. I went home, overdosed again. I was on a Form 3 but the doctor voided it instead of worrying about my health and safety. Idiot! Anyway, my overdose led me to St. Joseph’s Hospital and then transferred back to CAMH. I’m now on their general psychiatry unit (5th floor GPU) and still feel practically the same. I’m taking 100mg of Wellburtin – antidepressant, and 200mg of Seroquel – antipsychotic. They haven’t kicked in yet, but everyone insists they will with time. The voices are intensified from being in hospital. I wish I was able to portray myself properly here but I feel too many people are in need of the computer on the unit. I feel horrible. Definitely suicidal because of the voices, and am now seeing people as well. I’ve been given full privileges on the unit and can leave whenever I want… except at night of course. My doctor doesn’t seem to care about my symptoms… it is getting harder to deal with.

I pray that something picks me up...

I wish I could explain how I was feeling right now. I am so unbelievably calm. For once I feel as if I can relax. I hear the voices. I think I will always hear them but their aggression is gone; at least for now. They are soothing me, calling me, edging me in a different way. I’m not talking to them though, I tried but gave up. I get too much of a headache when I bother with discussions. I’m having these intense visions. I’m lying there, calm, steady. The room is dark, I am dark, I am full of darkness. I’m empty. So empty you can see right through me. I’m worn out. I am tired of struggling with this, I am tired of pretending I am worth something, I am just too tired. I am not safe. I am never safe. People don’t understand. Just drown me if you can… everything is slowly being taken away. I’m tired of trying to break down walls that might hide an elixir or a cure. I’m losing patience now. One step in front of the other and you’re instantly back ten steps. I am a disappointment. I’m in a constant internal battle; a war that won’t let up. I just want it to stop. I want to escape, I need to flee. My loved ones think my illness is mundane, something motivation can overcome… I am too tired to keep trying. What do I try for? Given the facts, I am stuck with an incurable disease. I hate not knowing what is going to come next. But right now, it’s as if I know exactly what I am about to do without actually knowing I will do it, if that makes any sense at all…

Something is bound to happen

I’m feeling calm. It is rather strange. I am sort of nervous by it actually. It is always calm before the storm, right? I had a pretty awful night last night. The girl I was referring to in my last entry decided to call to “see if I was alive” wow great, huh? Anyway, we ended up having a fight because she felt like she didn’t abandon me but I am sorry leaving when someone else needs your friendship and support to me would be considered abandonment. Anyhow, we fought, she really hurt me, and hung up on me… to which I decided I wouldn’t bother anymore so I didn’t call back to try and mend things because I am to weak to deal with that. So, when I attempted to go for a walk, I locked my apartment door to have my roommate come chasing after me… I actually had to run in order to get away from him and his bullshit. Funny, eh? Not really. As I was walking to Tim Hortons I noticed a police car drive by slowly… so I ducked into a park near my place and watched the police turn around and drive back up to my apartment. Yes, my roommate called the police. I waited in the park watching the police leave… after they left I went home. I talked to my roommate for a few minutes thinking he would (like any sensible person if they were worried enough to call the police in the first place) call them back saying I was there…. so I hopped in the shower so I could at least be clean for another night sitting in a hospital room. He didn’t call them back. Quite frankly I was upset he didn’t call them back after he called them originally. I mean, I hate hospitals and hate dealing with that bullshit but seriously, why would he have wasted their time if he didn’t want me to actually get some help? I am confused… but it has really confirmed my feelings toward him.
Now... to wait... something is going to happen, I can feel it... I just don't know what.

I want to be cared for

I’m really upset. I’ve had so much time to think about stuff and it is bothering me now. I thought I would be okay to have my “friends” push me away because of my illness but truth is, it isn’t okay! I have been abandoned for the third time from someone I love. I can’t even begin to explain how hurt I am because of it. I want to blame myself but the way it was done was absolutely horrible and I know it isn’t my fault. I was there for this person; I put my illness on the back burner so I could care for her, all to get absolutely nothing in the end. Normally I wouldn’t care to get anything out of it but all I was looking for was a little bit of a support, rather I got thrown out to the trash again. And, in spite of my calls and emails, I haven’t heard from her to even give me an explanation on why she gave up on me. I feel worthless because of it. I feel like no matter what I do it can never be right. If I speak about my illness I am being selfish, if I tell anyone my truth feelings, no one seems to believe me, but when I put my own sanity on the line to take care of someone dear to me and expect a bit of support later on, and it doesn’t happen, I’m extremely hurt… I don’t want a lot of people to know what I am going through because I can’t have any more people leave. It was so sad that I felt like I had to turn to the Internet to receive some sort of social support. I mean, come on, I can honestly say I do not have one person in real life that is willing to be supportive, not one. Knowing that, kills me. I'm tired of reaching out. I'm too exhausted...

It can and will get worse

It has been a few days since I have updated. Plenty has happened. I guess I am more at a loss than anything else. I wish I could say I am feeling perkier but that would be a lie. Yes, this truthfulness is starting to annoy me but it is better than pretending things are fine when they are definitely not.

Michael’s cat, Gatsby passed away yesterday. It broke my heart. He used to cuddle in bed with me and nibble on my nose. I know how hard it is to lose an animal, Babu passed away six months ago and I’m still heartbroken over it. I still remember when Michael and I ran around the neighborhood looking for Gatsby thinking he managed to get out of the house… he didn’t and we found him safe inside. I can only imagine how hard this is for Michael.

I was in hospital a few times. I kept returning to the ER with a police escort. The police are great, they are worried and want me to get proper help but the hospitals are idiotic and don’t seem to give a shit. I was given five days of Olanzapine, although sleeping for 20 hours a day is only a cover-up and doesn’t actually solve anything.

I went to my crisis clinic appointment with a mental health clinican. That was a total waste of time resulting in me developing a day plan. Rule number 1, absolutely no going home to bed. The first thing I did when I got home, I went to bed. So that didn’t work.

I feel the same… not that it really matters.

Left again because I don't know any better.

I made a mistake. I say that a lot. I make lots of mistakes. I disappointed so many people. Someone, who hasn’t even met me, who has spent literally forever in the past few days sending me emails of comfort and support, decided she would call to get me help. How is it, that most of my friends go running when I need help, yet someone who doesn’t even know me has the heart to care? It is so surreal to me. The police showed up at my house, I wasn’t expecting it. They caught me off guard, at a loss for words and definitely stressed. The paramedics took me to the Toronto Western Hospital where I insisted to the triage nurse I was more than okay to sit in the waiting room (if I had accompaniment from my roommate) instead of being trapped in the locked crisis unit. Of course, given the opportunity, I took off. I hate hospitals, as much as I know I need help, I just can’t handle being there. All of the memories from my first hospitalization at 15 come back, and then my second hospitalization at 20. I got up, and walked out of emerg without even looking back. I felt awful about it. I called Ashley crying, but she wasn’t really awake enough to care. I spent the night wandering Toronto, and eventually came home around 6:30 a.m. I managed to call the hospital and let them know I left without saying anything, they told me they knew and called the police to bring me back… and at 7:30 this morning the cops were here, but I was then discharged from the hospital at 10am so really it didn’t do any good. I was too exhausted to talk, to emotionally drained to want to be there. Now I am lost. I am hopeless, helpless and worthless. I keep repeating that, I actually believe it. The voices are getting worse and I know that eventually if I keep on this path I will succumb to them. I needed that help that came last night but of course, being the stubborn, scared, horrible girl I am, I let it go. Now I am stuck in this state. I am so tired from not sleeping. I just want someone here with me because I am scared. I called Ashley but she didn’t want to talk. I am so scared.

Holy fuck...

The mental health care system in Toronto is absolutely atrocious. While I was in emergency on Wednesday morning, the psychiatrist made me an urgent care appointment at a crisis clinic for Monday morning at 10am. She told me to call today to confirm my appointment, get directions and find out what else needs to be done before the appointment. When I called, they had absolutely no idea what I was talking about. It was in fact an urgent care centre but they did not know what a crisis clinic was (weird!) and they didn’t have an appointment made for me on Monday nor did they have a referral from the doctor who saw me in emerg. This really upsets me. I can’t seek out proper help at a hospital, the doctors are completely confused themselves, and my case isn’t urgent enough for acute treatment. Although I would debate that fact because experiencing psychosis to me would be severe. On top of it all, I have to have a referral to see a psychiatrist on my own so I am now trying to find a family doctor (virtually impossible) so I am waiting to hear back from a family care centre to see a resident doctor in three weeks. It is all just completely fucked.

I don't know where to look...

I’m in such a low state. After all of this I am stuck. My head is full of thoughts but nothing can be coherently described. I want to be where they are. They are persistent and aggressive. If I could just focus clearly then I would be able to accomplish my plan but I fear right now I would just fuck up like I always do. I want to be rescued from this darkness, this isolated condition but I am helpless. I make so many mistakes. I want it to be right. Everything is so disorganized and now my entire body feels as if it is being shut down piece by piece. I am pretending to be strong in order to separate from the people I care about. I want to scream.

Toronto General

It is hard to accept you are ill. Especially when everyone close around you insists you’ll feel better if you just pucker up and enjoy life more. Last night was one of the toughest nights I have been through. Ashley called the police, who then, after taking 2 hours to find me, took me to the hospital. Despite my overwhelming fear of hospitals and doctors, I decided I would put a foot forward and speak truthfully about everything I am experiencing. It took them 14 hours to decide I was well enough to be discharged. Now, not only am I back at square one… I am also feeling so much lower because I fear no one cares enough to want to help. I am in one hell of a jam.

Astrology... believe it?

I’m sure by now everyone has figured out I am a junkie on facebook and this morning I decided I would rummage through some mental illness groups trying to seek a bit of advice from people who have experienced familiar symptoms… I guess to say the least I am not doing very well. That can be observed by seeing me or talking to me (which is why I have sort of sheltered myself for awhile) so now I am debating whether or not I should try, yet again, to find some sort of help for my illness. I am definitely sick of trying (or going to hospitals just to leave because my strength has deteriorated). But I fear that if I just give up and try to pretend things will eventually get better, I will harm myself on some spontaneous episode that I would regret. So, for some excitement I thought checking my horoscope (I don’t believe in it per say, just thought maybe it should give me some advice) would help me figure out a plan… here is what it says:

Don't seek motivation from outside sources. You must inspire yourself today.

Okay, well I thought that was odd being I had jumped onto facebook only hours before looking for advice and strength… so now, inspiring myself… that might be a tough one.

But then it goes on to say:

You see a major flaw in someone's reasoning. At first you want to say live and let live, but what if this person is taking an unnecessary risk? You've got what it takes to steer them in the right direction, so do it.

Which I can tell you definitely resembles someone I am trying to help right now… so now my day is trying to find inspiration to get help for myself, yet trying to help someone else at the same time. I just need help and I guess I am fed up with people running from it… why is it I can’t run from it?

Damn Hospitals!

I went to the hospital last night but of course I didn’t wait around because it was incredibly busy. When I first arrived, the wait was so long the triage nurse couldn’t even register me, she told me to put my name on a sheet of paper and she’d call my name after the million people already on the list. Which was not only shocking that they could do that but it disturbed me to see a man who had badly cut open his hand who was bleeding all over the floor and chairs, on top of himself of course, and no one bothered to see if he was okay or even wrap it before he was able to see a doctor. Way to get HIV… Apparently Toronto hospital emergency rooms are not the place to be. So anyway, I left and of course got upset with myself because it takes so much for me to even bring myself to go… but I will try yet again today.