No hospital today

I went to a family BBQ back in Niagara today. It was mostly because I needed to pick up my Ministry driver’s license suspension letter that my mom received at her address. I then attempted to go to the emergency department at the Toronto General Hospital once I got back into the city but of course sitting out front, I chickened out. I wished I could have gone through with it. I need to in order to get my license back but I need help too. I’m scared I will sit in emerg for five hours just to have them discharge me with a phone number to some clinic that can’t help me. I guess I will never know if I don’t try. I just wish I had someone to help me get enough strength to go… Michael used to be that person but of course his cell phone is dead and him calling at 5am for 2 seconds doesn’t do much good either. And Ashley has enough shit going on to deal with me… alone like normal… I should be used to it by now.

Letdown... again?

I was able to talk to my parents today. I feel as if I am a constant letdown. I guess technically I am. I managed to get myself into financial trouble, drop out of college once already and about to do it again because of the license issue. I want to go to university and get a degree, but my dream of that seems so far away. If only I had something to get me through. My mom told me my actions lead to consequences, but does my illness count in that? To her it does… but really, my parents have no idea what I am going through. They assume I am perfect because we don’t talk about anything, but one mention of stopping in at a hospital for anything unrelated to a physical illness, I am all of a sudden a big screw up. My friends, or lack there of, pretend I am great because I am able to smile and laugh at the appropriate times. They also believe I should be able to concur my illness with some minor therapy so they insist my “problems” are just mundane compared to everything else. I don’t blame anyone for not understanding; hell I don’t even understand it fully. I suffer from Bipolar… unfortunately that isn’t easily fixable, especially since I don’t have a doctor and hate taking medication. Now I need to try and figure out how to find a doctor, get stabilized and figure out my life while on a steady medication regime. Easier said than done, folks!

Is It Possible?

I’m not getting any stronger. I wished last night I could have convinced myself to do the right thing but of course the weak gets the best of me. If I look hard enough I might be able to see a little bit of light but right now I am so far down. I don’t want to let go but what is it I do? It feels like I am being pulled below and my life is being stripped bare. It is almost there. I need the times to change quicker than they are; let’s fast-forward a pile of years because I need to rid this neurotic state. Hopefully I can figure something out soon.

I'm miles from where you are

Everything is ending. I needed a new beginning. I need something to hold onto. I really don't think this will be it but instead of letting everything go, I am going to write here. I posted a few things I wrote while in hospital awhile back. I wanted the perspective. Things are hard. I guess the truth of it is, it never got better. I am a liar. I tried to defeat the system by lying to the doctors. Now, despite my escape from something altogether unhelpful, I am worse off. I got news today that my drivers license has been suspended due to my unstable mental illness. In order to get it reinstated I have to submit all of my health records, plus do a short stay in hospital again and still, no guarantee of anything. It really woke me up. It started with Babu. Now, slowly but surely, my entire life is being taken from me. For months I had school to keep me motivated, but now, nothing. I'm empty. I just need something to get me through, but there isn't anything. I am so isolated.