Admitting...

I have plenty of thoughts racing through my head. I’m not sure where to begin, or if I should bother jotting them here at all. Really, things have been quite confusing lately. That being said, despite all the efforts made to regain my sanity, I have been thinking about everything I have worked for, achieved, thrown away, misused, loved, and lost. It almost feels like instead of taking two steps ahead, I am taking four steps back. I no longer sleep, I barely eat anything of substance and my social life has now deteriorated. I guess I am left to face the harsh reality that I am in fact left here alone to solve all of these problems. Being alone is not the part that scares me, facing the issues that I have gotten so used to pushing aside is an incredibly difficult task. I have learnt one major lesson over the past five weeks of being in this place, I have come to the understanding that people enjoy playing games and by playing games it has become so it complicates your real emotions that you are “suppose” to share and experience. Things change. Life changes and you either adapt to the ever-revolving world or succumb to a memory of something better. I am now at a fork in the road. If I could, I would get up and walk away…

If only I could run faster...

I guess the simple way to put it is, I am facing some serious emotional chaos right now and I can’t seem to pause long enough to catch my breath. The voices are stronger than I can manage. I am spiraling out of control. I ran away. I wish I knew why. I thought I knew why but it turns out, I didn’t know why. One thing I can honestly say is that being in handcuffs really puts things into perspective. Knowing you are forced to submit to your foolish behaviors and to be brought back to this so-called reality really permits the greatest time to think about life. Now, being unable to make my own decisions, I am trapped in this outlandish hellhole and soon this wreck of a girl that has evolved in such a short time span will diminish from this very spot.

Losing Control

I’ll never tell. It’s hard to rekindle relationships after they’ve been lost. Maybe I don’t care. I don’t care about much anymore. My lack of communicative interest is taking a toll. I’m still here. This is a place I don’t want to be. I’m lost and now I am sinking into an obis that is indifferent to my corrupt feelings. Distortion. That is what I am receiving. I’m unable to care for myself, or so they say. I’m not sure who “they” are, or who I am, or who anyone is for that matter. Being lost is a daunting sensation. How I am able to portray my thoughts is beyond me. I’m losing that too. I’m losing everything. Soon I will be completely vanished.

I'm alone in such poor company

These thoughts are a bit extreme. I’m not quite sure where to turn. I’ve followed this blackened path for far too long and it is too late to flee. Who am I? This isn’t reality. The pain is so severe I can almost feel my heart being torn apart. Wait. I’m tearing it apart. I’m tearing everything apart. My mutilated flesh is becoming a work of art. These rapid impulses are killing me. My head is raging with aches, reverberating the sounds of tormented words. There is no changing what has been done. I’ve made so many mistakes and now it is my turn to pay for them. I'm stuck in a place where my emotions are locked in a room and I am all alone.

You changed the scenery, but not the fucking situation...

I’m at a loss. Things turned rotten. I’ve taken a serious downfall into a state that I am unfamiliar with. Life is changing rapidly and I can’t seem to run fast enough to keep up. I’m losing control, or maybe I have already lost control, either one I am falling. Each day recoils into a downward spiral. All I can say is that I am truly confused. This feeling of internal chaos is ominous. I’m being poisoned here; poisoned by all of the muddled bullshit of this so-called reality. The threat lingers and my emotions are out of control. I thought I saw the light but here I am, stuck in this dreadful place. My delusions are getting the best of me. Medical staff can horde the place but the fundamental fact is, I am not going to amend into their stereotypical zombie-like creature. I can tell you what it is like to want to die. Dying isn’t what scares me, being alive is. Nobody seems to understand that insight. But the thing is, my insides have drowned, they cease to exist and I am left with this burning desire to abscond into thin air. It is coming…